It is time

I discovered Anne Lamott this weekend. Holy shit. Lamott's book, Hallelujah Anyway: Rediscovering Mercy, knocked my socks off. I had to read the first chapter three times to get it amidst distraction, and then continue on with a dictionary by my side. It was my favorite kind of growth: spiritual and intellectual, combined. I have been blowing through books in the last two months. I am almost finished with the Twilight series; Harry Potter is next, and no, I have not seen any of the movies yet. I have always wanted to be better read than I am. God seems to have lit a fire under my butt so I am running with it. Guess what came along with the fire to read?

Hello! It's been a minute. The last Isms of the Ic blog that I wrote was on September 28th, 2014. I have not gone back and read what it was about, so if you get there before me, don't spoil it! This goes for the Twilight books and the Harry Potter stuff as well.

I started this blog November 29th, 2012. I think I had been sober, for the first real time, for about 6 months. I have since written two other blogs, but fallen off of everything after my daughter's first year of life. Isabella Moon was born on Friday the 13th of March, 2015. She's four now. I do not see her. I live in Wichita at Women's Recovery Center. I am in long-term treatment for Severe Substance Use Disorder and Chronic Depression. Things have been rough for about three years. I am so happy and proud to be coming out of the worst time of my life. I am honored to be able to name it as the worst time in my life! I had no idea what was happening until 2019 started rolling in. I knew that I had lost my family; wife and child. I knew that I had not been sober for any amount of time for several years. I knew I was divorced. I knew I wasn't allowed to see my kiddo. I knew that I had never stopped trying to recover from my hopeless state of mind and body, but I also knew that it was progressing and was out to kill me. So I gave up. I thought I gave up in November 2017. But, no. Every time I tried to give up, I meant it. Things had gotten so bad that drastic change had to take place.

So here I am. I am happy, sober, and finally focused on myself so that I do not die. I don't want to die. And not only do I want to live, but I want to live well. Today I have been sober 54 days. Not just dry, but in recovery. I have learned more than ever about my chronic, progressive, fatal disease, and I am on one more adventure to own my story with pride and honor. I am on fire for life and recovery. I am still wrapping my head around what it took to get me here.

I can, however, tell you two things: 1.) I have never loved myself like this. It truly is an inside job and I love myself today. At 39 and 3/4, it's hard to fathom that this is new. I can tell it's new because it feels weird as shit. 2.) I will write and publish a book someday. I don't know how I know this, but I do. My mother has been pushing it for years. Okay, Mom!  It's so fucking good to be here. Stay tuned.

#loveholly