relapse as a part of recovery

They tell you in rehab that relapse is part of recovery. They tell you not to be too hard on yourself if it happens. Just get up and keep trying, they say. So many people don't make it back to the sober side once they relapse because they are scared, or ashamed. I can tell you that this is so. Relapse has been a part of my recovery. Like a few things in my life I have had the privilege of experiencing this genuinely as an individual outside of the "norm" of society.

For instance: when I was growing up and hitting 5th and 6th grades, I started noticing girls. I started noticing girls that way that all the girls I hung out with were noticing boys. All of a sudden there was more feeling to staying over at a friends house and playing with her hair while we watched a movie the way I had done a dozen other times. I knew that I was not in the majority, but I never felt wrong or even different. I just wasn't in the majority. Lemme tell you something; I was raised in Manhattan, Kansas as a jayhawk fan by two KU graduates. Do you think that being in the majority was something that I had to have to exist and be me? Hells no!

See no one wants you to relapse, of course, but no one tells you that there is this stigma that goes with it. It means that you aren't getting something that you are supposed to be getting or that you still think you have control over things you have no control over. Your friends and family ask, "oh, what happened this time?" "You were doing so good." The feeling I have gotten is that there should be some sort of self flagellation and when there isn't a proper amount of shame and remorse for obvious failure, you are certain to drink again.

So I find myself outside of the "norm" again. Obviously I am not thrilled about relapsing. Yes, I still consider it a relapse or I wouldn't call it that. But, guess what? I am still a successful non-drinker. In the past two years I have drank less that a dozen days. I continue to grow and accept this daily progressive disease. This has jacked up my continuous sobriety, but my life has changed beyond my wildest dreams; I have dreams now! I continue to expand my world. I am becoming softer and learning how to love. I have AMAZING people in my life. I can call anyone in my family at any moment! I am able to listen to people today and not run my own world but I trust myself to know that if I try my best, things will work out the way god wants, not the way I want. I trust god more than I ever have and have quit trying to put him in a box. I seek balance; I am open to direction. I trust my skin gods more than I ever have.

I have two weeks of continuous sobriety today. I fell on my face a long two weeks ago, but I got back up and I continue to recover, like I am going to continue to recover tomorrow and tomorrow. Relapse is hard on me and those close to me; I know that. I do not intend to continue to relapse. I see myself having long term sobriety as I get older. I'm just not there yet. Who knows? Maybe this was the last one. Relapse humbles me like nothing else. I pray to find a way to stay humble without having to drink. I adore sobriety and I have no dreams for myself that do not include sobriety. I am not proud of it, but I am not ashamed of it either. It kills me how much it hurts those closest to me so I will continue to seek balance.

trusting what i know about myself?

i miss blogging! i have been so busy that i have not had the time to even begin a post. the idea list keeps getting longer and longer. i have so much to share! but alas, wrist to forehead, i am so blessed that i have school, a job, a wonderful hottie, a family, and friends to share my life with that i have not had a spare hour in some time. the funny part is that i am surprised that i miss writing so much. i don't do it often (as often as i would like i guess) and i haven't been doing this particular blog long. a this point, those of you who know me well are shaking your heads. i know at least two teachers reading this and probably my mother that are all smiling and saying, "really, holly? didn't know you would miss it?" they are all collectively thinking about how much energy they have put into encouraging me to write and write. my mother has repeatedly mentioned a book. don't worry, mommie, your name when be on the inside cover when, and i do mean when not if, it is finished.

here is the interesting part: i still don't even know what i know about myself. i don't know me. and what i think i know, i still don't trust. pretty sure this will get a chuckle from god himself. what i am is eternally grateful for is the genuine experience to continue to learn about myself with a clear head and willingness to take the adventure. and that's exactly what it is. every day is an adventure as i get better at school, move forward in life, and live the balance that i seek.

i have so much that i want to share through this particular medium. there is big news, people. most of you know that i have been accepted to KU. it literally brings me to tears when i think about my dad putting on his KU dad shirt that i got him for Christmas  five kids and i get to be the first and possibly only one that attends his and mom's alma mater. there is more to share, but i have so much homework to do that i already feel guilty for this little post. but stay tuned. life is getting really exciting here in lovely lawrence, kansas.