This is why we go to therapy, people!

This is why we go to therapy, people. I was processing both mine and the hottie's up coming trips with the therapist, mapping out plans, figuring out how to minimize the natural stresses of international travel, starting a new semester, having your love be gone for 10 days, ect. The usual. When upon me came a realization.

I used to hide in my house. Day in and day out. I would wake up around 11am or noon, head straight to the kitchen for the booze, drink, vomit, drink, repeat. I kept the shades drawn. I never ate. I abhorred the sun. Cheerful people made me mad but that didn't matter because the only ones that I hung out with were TV characters. I maintained a bottle in one hand and a TV remote in the other... for hours and hours and days and days. And through processing with one of my two therapists (remember the switch therapist debacle upon starting KU?) I have discovered how far I have come!

I have been down lately. I have had a tough semester. I know I am not alone. There must be thousands of kids in this glorious historic Kansas town that have had tough semesters, cried daily, and pushed through. I get to be one of those kids today. Even when I am depressed, the first thing I do in the morning is open the shades and let the sun in. I set my coffee pot the night before when I want coffee in the morning! What the what? When I was at my worst in my addiction knowing that I would wake up shaking because I would have already started the detox process, it was still hard to remember or have the ability to make sure that I had alcohol for the morning! The constant double edginess of that sword! Now I make coffee the night before! I eat breakfast every day. Breakfast! The idea of food in the morning used to make me laugh. I functioned with a concave feeling in my stomach. Now I eat breakfast every day. Healthy breakfast. I pack my lunch every day. I eat a crap ton of fruit and veggies! I watch my weight and intake of calories. I like to eat and I like food, so I watch what goes into my body so that I can continue to eat and love food without guilt. I have lost 20 pounds since Costa Rica and I do not intend to put it back. I even exercise!

Last time I was in Ellsworth, my sister and her hubby went running every morning. I was wicked jealous. Do you know what? When I was in Ellsworth this past weekend, I got up before anyone in the entire house and went running. In the winter. On my own. Of my own free will! I was sore for the next three days because I am used to running shorter distances on a treadmill, haha, but I got up and did it. I did it! For me!

Even when I am depressed and not wanting to leave the house, I do it. I suit up and show up to every class. I have only missed like 6 total class sessions in all four of my classes this semester. I am still rocking C's and nailing down my calculus F, but not because I didn't suit and show. Then somehow when I get home and all I want to do is flop onto the couch or crawl in bed, I unpack my lunch, usually wash dishes and MAKE DINNER. What in god's name? Even on days when I don't get off the couch (there have been a few), I don't even think about adding alcohol to the mix. I make a pot of coffee to sip on throughout the day turning it back on every two hours after the automatic timer shuts it off. My unhealthy behavior today is sucking on caffeine all day versus water or fruit juice. I make treats like cake or rice crispy treats for myself. I will write, harass people on the facebook, and yes, zone into the TV. Sometimes when I feel like flopping on the couch I turn on the computer and write for hours!

But here is the awesome part and thank you to therapy. While I have been processing these recent difficulties and my fears about mine and the hottie's upcoming vacations because I want to get past this relapse hump circle pattern thing, I have gotten to see how far I have come. I used to be bound to the couch, day after day. Today, even when I give into the couch sitting, a habit that is very close to past addictive habits, I have come forward leaps and bounds. I make food. I drink coffee and soda. I care for myself, the hottie, our home, the pets, and our lives. Shit is hard. It gets overwhelming. But I don't make it worse. I batten down the hatched and ride in the storm.

I don't say any of this to brag. I have a ways to go. Today. Tomorrow. And so on. The more I write, the scarier it feels. I have huge fears about how my work comes across. Like so many things, though, I just keep doing; writing, walking, suiting and showing, and hoping for the best, or the ability to understand the less than the best. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. That is the HOW of it.