A little peak inside a broken brain (written around Christmas 2013, published March 2014)

Author's note: This was written around Christmas 2013 at the end of the business school "semester from hell" before switching majors. My situation has changed but the words of an alcoholic still ring true. It's this easy to slip back into an old way of thinking.

This thought occurred to me today. I had just finished taking care of a monthly commitment and headed to Walmart. It's the weekend before finals week. It's a week and a half before Christmas. And this thought occurs to me: wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have all this stuff to do like study for finals so I could drink tonight? Followed by, dang, I wish I could drink the whole weekend. As a matter of fact, it would be really great if I didn't have to be at Walmart buying deodorant and trying to figure out what toothpaste to buy. As a matter of fact, since it is so late in the season and we have no Christmas tree yet let's just skip the shit. In fact, she drives me crazy half the damn time. Am I even sure this is where I want to be? School and work is proving to be so difficult. I hate trying to make money mostly because I am not making much and working more seems like a great way to screw myself out of a top notch education so I really hate spending any money as it is so hard to make. I know I am not contributing to the house, but if I work more I don't think I will do well in school. But who cares about grades. All you need is the degree, right? In fact a lot of people will tell you that the degree doesn't even matter. Just pick one! Work more, study less, coast and get through it. You are letting your beautiful person down anyway. So since you can't work and go to school, maybe you aren't good enough. There are so many people that can work and go to school. Work full time and take, what, up to seven classes! You probably aren't good enough for her anyway. And you surely don't deserve this education that you can't even manage to do while not contributing enough and getting crappy grades, so you should probably just pick one, school or work. And since you are not good enough for her, the best way out of this is to push her away. And push hard. Better set up some kind of living arrangement before you get too far, ahhh fuck it. Drink! Wouldn't it be great if you didn't have all this shit to do so you could just drink the rest of the weekend?