The 69th day of a new creation

This up-and-down of early recovery feels insane. Key word: feels. I think it’s no wonder addicts relapse. This feels uncomfortable and off kilter. I want to go back to the misery; what I know. I want to be alone in my own living room drinking and depressed in the middle of a pity party for one. What a fucked up disease this is that my head tells me that. Just quit, it says. Then no one can tell me what to do. What kind of illusion is that? Depression says pour more depressant in me to get relief. I know cognitively in my head this is all wrong. I know I must take the next right indicated action. Right now that means writing this. Not “listening” to my head. Follow directions of the spiritual guides in my life, in my heart. And tell my head to shut the fuck up. When I drink, I am at the mercy of a broken society with broken humans running it. I am not judging; I am one of those broken humans, a spiritual reflective one. A beginning thinker. God, give me one little thing at a time. I trust you.

Miracles are instantaneous and, well, miraculous. I have asked for help and it is here. It is here in the form of IKEA furniture with no instructions, but here nonetheless. So some days will be rough. And acceptance is the answer. Do not run. Face the day with God‘s hand in mine. Look to mothers for help. Mary, god’s mom, Diana, my mother, grandmother, Angie, spiritually guided women, and women in recovery. Really see them, love. Every day is a miracle. Today I will be grateful for that miracle no matter how hard and confusing it appears to be. My eyes are new. My heart is young. I am as vulnerable as a child learning to self sooth. Help me reach out to my mothers. Help me invest time in myself. The cravings will come. So will spiritual answers. Hardwork and sharp vigilance. Diligence. Patience. Consistency. Obvious results, steps backwards, and plateaus will all come and end with continued consistent work. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but always. Keep working, love. Frustration may just be a crux. That is exactly where God is. I am already doing better than yesterday. Effort. There is hope. Why settle for just a piece of sky?