Today I chose courage over comfort all fucking day. Yesterday was hard. Very hard. I want my Angie. Yesterday I thought, phew!, Thank God tomorrow is a different day. Due to optimism it never crossed my mind that today might be harder than yesterday. Well, it was. We watched A Beautiful Mind with Russell Crowe and Jennifer Conley this morning and it was very heavy. I cried from my soul as I sat feeling that whole movie. I was able to draw heartbreaking parallels. Courage over comfort. At times especially when my defenses are down, or maybe my armor isn’t quite battle ready, or I am trying to walk through something or feel something, just being around others is hard. I kept up my efforts all afternoon despite difficult conversations. I did not get defensive. I did not offload my hurt, and I didn’t take all the blame. I walked through the conversation. Courage/comfort. On my way home (to rehab!), boom, the thought occurred to me that I should sneak booze in tonight. Kill these feelings. It’s too hard. I won’t mention this to anyone. I’ll be safe in rehab. Wrong. I went to a meeting, and spoke on it. I called my sponsor. I spoke on it. I cried like 5 to 8 times today. I talked through or along or into everything. I did everything I was supposed to do if I want to stay sober. I prayed. God, please help. I cannot do this. I journaled. I had a terrible headache with tears and I faced my thoughts. I did not lash out. I did not seek outside comfort at all! It’s an inside job, I told myself. So I just felt it all. I don’t feel better at 8:30 PM but I did not drink. Courage/comfort. The isms of the ic. I will pray more. My defense must come from a higher power. Amen.
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