Change the way you feel without running

I found myself getting grumpy that I had to work both jobs today. I am getting a little tired of the roller coaster of emotions that this trip to Costa Rica has brought on. Reality check: I'm upset that I have to work both jobs? I'm tired of the roller coaster of emotions about a trip to Costa Rica? What? And then the 2 X 4 of whoa... I want to change the way I feel?

Tomorrow is my birthday and we could have a pretty gnarly situation on our hands if I don't change my perspective real quick. Gratitude list!!!

I have two jobs.
I have a hilarious god.
I have an awesome girlfriend who gets to come to Costa Rica with me.
I get to go to Costa Rica.
I get to feel all these crazy emotions today.
I have outlets for all my chatter.
I have hobbies.
I love my family.
I have amazing role models and I adore them all.
I have amazing friends old and new that keep me on my toes and call me on my shit.
I live in my dream town and am heading to my dream college.
I love my little scoot.
I have peace of mind or people to talk to when I don't.
I have an awesome cat.
I love my church. It's alternative enough for even me.
I am inquisitive.
I take direction.
I listen.
I reach out.
I keep getting better.
I can recognize my mistakes.
I love learning.
omg, I can't believe this is way down here, but it's when I thought of it... I'M SOBER!

Better stop there and get back to work. Let me add that there are times when I can blog at work. Let me try and show my gratitude for my life the rest of the day with a smile, a hug, or kind words.

When you stop and take time...

I was sitting around with a couple of friends today talking about where we each bank. Not even sure how it came up but it was an amazing reminder of how far I have come. I think it helps to remember how far down I had to dig before I was able to start digging out. It makes me more grateful.

My friends each said what bank they banked at and one of them had a story about why she banked where she did. It reminded me of when I first moved to Lawrence. I bank where I do because we have a little bit of history. I had banked with them in Manhattan when I lived there. When I got to Lawrence, I didn't have a car. I didn't have a bank. I didn't have any money or a job. My grandmother had sent me a $20 check for my birthday. I didn't know anywhere that would cash a personal check. I called a few banks and they all required $50 to start a checking account. I sat there starting at this check and called the bank that I had banked with in Manhattan. I told them that I had banked there before and all the money I had in the world was in this $20 check from my grandma. They looked me up in the system and amazingly enough, I didn't owe them any money and had left on good terms. Whaaaaaat?! So they sent me to the local branch to open a bank account with $20 dollars.

Here is the amazing part of the story. When I made that call I was sitting in the grass on KU's campus taking a break from riding my bike from point A to point B. I was probably out job hunting. I was still in housed outpatient rehab. I distinctly remember telling myself, I am going to go to college here one of these days. I start in the fall.

I am so grateful I took the time to stop and think about where I was at that moment with that $20 check in my hand and where I wanted to see myself in the future. I can look back and see that even though there isn't much more in that bank these days, I have a job, I have transportation, and I will be a Jayhawk next fall. And when I am, I pray that I stop and take some time...

If my brain can't kill me, it'll will settle for terrorizing me

First of all, thank you for the reminder to blog. I could have been in danger of getting wrapped up in my stuff and forgetting today.

Second, it appears that I need to start having someone over for dinner about once a week or every other week because I started noticing some things that just sit around and the house really needed some tidying up. I guess it says good things about mine and the hottie's comfort level? Or maybe we are too relaxed around each other already. Who knows.

Now to the blogging. I really wish that I could say that I am having my friend come over and that nipped this thing in the bud so I was off and running without a care in the world today. This has not been the case. My disease realized that I very well might not drink today and so it sent my own brain to kill me today. I felt unworthy of my own sobriety, and uncomfortable in my own skin. Actually, it started last night the second I posted the blog. My mouth wanted to run away and control my world. My stomach was tied in a knot. But god stepped in and I was able to just be.

Still, I wasn't prepared for today. I was in a foul mood. With a little less experience or determination, I would have quit my job today, or unloaded on a coworker, or broken some faulty equipment. I know that I would have broken a watering nozzle if I would have been watering at home. I tried to pick a fight with a friend. I warned her about my mood and that I probably just wanted to fight, which I did. I know god was with me all day though because he had me choose to fight with someone I respect too much to really go after. And he kept me level headed enough to email someone I knew would answer with solid words that I wouldn't be able to eye roll away. The little shit was tearing me up and I cried once, I didn't give into anything major.

I felt like I was being punished for giving in to the drink the last time the hottie went out of town. The truth is probably more likely that I created some memory dendrites or whatever they are called and a simple chemical reaction in my brain was triggered. Every time you fight through the urge to drink, you create new memory whatever-they-are-called. And when you don't, the old rumination comes back. The old memory cells run a muck.

There is a ton I can be grateful for today. I didn't quit my job or yell at the kid who interrupted my work. With the help of others, I worked through the rumination. I am so grateful that we sing the Our Father in church. I sang it like 10 times today. I was honest with the hottie about my fears and feelings. I can tell you that my number one joy is that I am going to beat this disease today. Thank god too because I have a hog roast and a pot luck on Saturday and Sunday that I do not wanna miss.

Final note: Day 4 of blogging every day and it was easier to sit down and do it today once I was reminded. The second and even the third days, I wasn't sure I had much to say. Be blessed.

Finding a sitter for myself

I have drank about every three months since August of last year. I almost had a year and a half of continuous sobriety and then once I drank I have only gotten a few months at a time I consider this wildly successful and my life continues to improve. That being said, I don't want to continue this pattern. So far, the hottie and I have tracked my drinking to accountability. When we are apart over night or for an extended period of time, I drink. I am not putting this on her. I knew when I really started working on this sobriety thing, that I would need accountability. It was a weakness that I thought I had conquered. A huge part of my drinking was done alone. I didn't have to face what I was doing as much when I was alone. I have come soooooo far in that regard because even when I drink alone now, I hate it. I can't look myself in the mirror and I am scared to talk to anyone because y'all know me well. I have been busted twice on drinking by mere text alone! The difference is that I love myself now way more than I ever have. 

And so? The hottie is going out of town tomorrow night for a wedding. The last few times this has happened I have wanted her to go and have a good time. I didn't want her to worry about me so I thought I better stay home or leave early etc. And then as soon as we were apart, my alcoholic brain took the drivers seat and I raced to the liquor store. There are three things an alcoholic says when they want to drink: 1. It will be different this time. 2. I can get away with it. 3. Fuck it anyway. I am a 2 girl all day. This time, the hottie and I wanted things to be different. I have always quit drinking after a day or two, but the mental stress and impact on our relationship has generally lasted longer than the actual drinking. So until I am strong enough to handle being alone over night and not accountable I have decided it get myself a sitter when she goes out of town. And this requires me to ask for help. As open and outgoing of a person as I am, it is still hard for me to ask for help when I really really need it. It is hard to ask for help when I know I have to have it. 

So I am having a friend coming over tomorrow and she is bringing her puppy! We are going to play tennis and watch movies. My alcoholic brain has stirred knowing that the hottie is going out of town, but the friend coming over has squashed it really quickly. It's really cool getting to know myself... still. There are probably others that are way stronger than this and could just continue doing what they always do when their significant goes out of town for the night, but I am not there yet. So I am grateful to cut this drink off at the pass and successfully tell my alcoholic brain to shut the fuck up!

I am super grateful to have friends that are willing to help. I am beyond blessed to have the hottie in my life who is willing to work with me and help me take these steps. We thought of and worked out this solution together. I think that is pretty cool. Now she can go and enjoy herself without worrying about me I hope.