If my brain can't kill me, it'll will settle for terrorizing me

First of all, thank you for the reminder to blog. I could have been in danger of getting wrapped up in my stuff and forgetting today.

Second, it appears that I need to start having someone over for dinner about once a week or every other week because I started noticing some things that just sit around and the house really needed some tidying up. I guess it says good things about mine and the hottie's comfort level? Or maybe we are too relaxed around each other already. Who knows.

Now to the blogging. I really wish that I could say that I am having my friend come over and that nipped this thing in the bud so I was off and running without a care in the world today. This has not been the case. My disease realized that I very well might not drink today and so it sent my own brain to kill me today. I felt unworthy of my own sobriety, and uncomfortable in my own skin. Actually, it started last night the second I posted the blog. My mouth wanted to run away and control my world. My stomach was tied in a knot. But god stepped in and I was able to just be.

Still, I wasn't prepared for today. I was in a foul mood. With a little less experience or determination, I would have quit my job today, or unloaded on a coworker, or broken some faulty equipment. I know that I would have broken a watering nozzle if I would have been watering at home. I tried to pick a fight with a friend. I warned her about my mood and that I probably just wanted to fight, which I did. I know god was with me all day though because he had me choose to fight with someone I respect too much to really go after. And he kept me level headed enough to email someone I knew would answer with solid words that I wouldn't be able to eye roll away. The little shit was tearing me up and I cried once, I didn't give into anything major.

I felt like I was being punished for giving in to the drink the last time the hottie went out of town. The truth is probably more likely that I created some memory dendrites or whatever they are called and a simple chemical reaction in my brain was triggered. Every time you fight through the urge to drink, you create new memory whatever-they-are-called. And when you don't, the old rumination comes back. The old memory cells run a muck.

There is a ton I can be grateful for today. I didn't quit my job or yell at the kid who interrupted my work. With the help of others, I worked through the rumination. I am so grateful that we sing the Our Father in church. I sang it like 10 times today. I was honest with the hottie about my fears and feelings. I can tell you that my number one joy is that I am going to beat this disease today. Thank god too because I have a hog roast and a pot luck on Saturday and Sunday that I do not wanna miss.

Final note: Day 4 of blogging every day and it was easier to sit down and do it today once I was reminded. The second and even the third days, I wasn't sure I had much to say. Be blessed.