it has been 15 years since i went to high school. a lot has happened. and a significant portion of it has not been good. but this past weekend at my high school reunion it was clear that things are turning around. i was so very excited to see whomever would be there. five years ago, i was still in the height of my addiction and i was curious what others had been up to, but not proud of what i had been up to. i showed up, drank most of the weekend and felt very very sorry for myself which lead to? yep, more drinking.

that was not the case this weekend. the alcoholic inside of me was wide awake on my 8 am bus ride to school telling me a six pack on the way to Manhattan later that day was just the thing i needed. although i have had almost a year and a half of sobriety at one point, i had fallen on my face a very short week ago. i hadn't let it derail me. i got right back up and recommitted to my sobriety, but my tiny little week was showing now as my alcoholic brain whispered in my ear. thank god for god! it occurred to me to text my sponsor right then and there and not wait. it occurred to me to text the hottie. i shy away from sharing some of these thoughts with her because i want her to see me as a strong, independent, stable woman and girlfriend. but that didn't seem to hold me back at this moment. i took to facebook and posted on my women's recovery page. directed by a power greater than human power, i reached out for help. i reached out for someone to catch me as if i was already falling. because i was. when that thought came into my head i really thought i would drink. and instead of shrugging my shoulders and giving in, i put my efforts into stopping the thought and staying sober.

i have been working so hard at staying sober for a really long time. i have hurt those closest to me and caused others to never want to get close. i am so proud of where i am in my life and i wanted that reflected in my eyes when i looked at anyone from my past. these people had never even known me when i was drinking! i started after high school and shyed away from all of them. there were about ten more miracles that had already been in place to happen that day to get me to that reunion sober. my Spanish teacher just happened to cancel my noon class on a Friday. it hadn't happened once this semester, but it happened this Friday. and guess what? there is a noon meeting on campus on Fridays. that didn't occur to me until about eleven. coincidence? i don't believe in them. when i walked into this meeting, here sits one old dude who smelled like he had been chain smoking in his car since he was a teen. it was just him and me. but i have been doing this deal for a minute and we had a meeting. he shared what was going on with him and then i shared all the crazy stuff that was going on in my head: chug six beers, eat something garlicky, chew a pack of gum. i got it all out of my head. i told him i had text my people, had a place set up to stay etc etc. his response? he hadn't heard me mention god.

i spend so much time trying not to talk about prayer and god that i forget to pray and talk TO god at times. he was right! i hadn't asked god for help. he was already helping me though. so i added god to the mix of support and love all the way from stinky dude, who was exactly who god wanted there at that time, to my sponsor to the hottie to myself. only i can take that first drink. my brain will give me a run for my money, but only i can take the first drink.

i kept talking and texting my sponsor and the hottie. during one of my breaks i sent my sponsor an email outlining how my brain was trying to kill me. and text with the hottie all day. she was so supportive! why am i scared to share my fears with this woman? she spent the day sending me songs that remind her of us. and i spent the day imagining how small and scared her voice was the two times she has had to ask me, "Babe, did you drink today?" the question, i can handle. the unusually tiny voice that asks the question, i cannot.

i have never been more proud to walk into bishop stadium. i only knew like ten people there. but i spoke to everyone i knew. i leaned over the railing with an old old friend and yelled, "I'm your biggest fan" to the band director. his surprise was priceless. i hugged everyone. i chatted like a teenage girl. i stayed for the whole game and even got a band hat souvenir at the end! it was wonderful. my most proud moment of the day that started with my own head trying to kill me at 8 am was knocking on my best friends' door at 10 pm stone cold sober to spend the night. we stayed up and talked for almost three hours. had i listened to my broken brain, they may have not even opened the door.

the rest of the weekend was literally a dream. i had a four hour lunch with the only two women besides my mother than have ever challenged me. i met with these same two women at my ten year reunion. i was late, i was hungover, and i was crunched for time. i wrote their reading list on a napkin and lost it before i got to the car. i felt like a contributor this time. i was engaged. i was enthralled. i loved hearing their stories and where they are in life and i loved telling mine. i poked the reading list into a decent electronic device and saved it! and somehow during the course of this dream, my requirements for this woman that i allow to challenge me went from two classes to a whole degree! bring it on, sister!

the evening portion was held at a bar. but by this time, god saw to it that i was doing so well and in such a groove on such a high plane that it didn't matter one bit. there was smile after smile, hug after hug, and kind word after kind word. it was an informal reunion and i want to say to each and every person that couldn't make it: you were missed. there were huge holes where big personalities should have been, but we all understood. i hope that anyone who has an interest in coming to the 20th has the opportunity. i still, more than one week later, cannot believe how much fun i had and how proud i was to just be there and be present. that was something i was incapable of doing at my ten year reunion.

i drove home to Lawrence that night at about midnight so i could fall asleep in the hottie's arms and resume my routine early the next morning. this had been the goal the previous weekend, but i didn't succeed. it was funny. i left aggieville about midnight when the EMAW's were starting to get pretty riled up and i was parked right in aggieville too which we all know you don't do if you are drinking. and i arrived in Lawrence right after last call, drove right down to mass street and stopped into pyramid to see the hottie. there was such freedom! i wasn't looking over my shoulder or around the corner for a cop. i was free to roam about the world on a Saturday night after a huge weekend! this never ever would have happened just a short time ago. life is amazing and i am so grateful to be a part of it.