delayed reaction

it's not that i wasn't listening or paying attention. it's just that god takes such amazing care of me. it took me a little bit longer than i thought to recognize the feelings that i was having about my thanksgiving. there was a lot of stuff going on at grandma's this past weekend and it has been interesting to call my delayed and lingering attention to it. 

i was very aware of a lot of things this weekend. i think my main focus was on the hottie. i think. there was a balance in focus between my attention on my mother and my brother's. i think grandma received the least amount of focus. this is a little baffling because in the past i think i would have spent the entire weekend in the hospital with her and ignored everyone else or been pissed that they weren't up at the hospital with her. but god, and i know it was god because it was so effortless, had my attention on my significant first, and my immediate younger family next. nick, lauren, terry, mavrik, mommie, and even dad a bit. lol. 

i was acutely aware that this very well could be the last thanksgiving that we are in that setting. i was less than thrilled with my extended family for a portion of the weekend. i didn't see one of my uncles or his wife but for 5 minutes here, and then took the hottie to see their house, so a half hour there. they were consumed with their only son as usual and had to split their time with my aunt's family. and my other uncle came by a few times, but grabbed a plate and ate in front of the tv alone or with my dad. i think this is all pretty normal behavior, but with no grandma around, i noticed it a lot more. we never sat down all together for one meal. that would have never happened if grandma was in charge. dinner is at noon and supper is at 6. things were very different with a mask of similarity and familiarity covering the whole weekend. it looked and smelled like grandma's house, but it really wasn't. i can only assume that the assimilation of familiarity came from the fact that she had done a lot of the prep work herself and is still alive and was coming home when she got well. the meatballs were grandma's meatballs, not someone else making grandma's meatballs. we systematically pulled one thing after another from the freezer to feed ourselves through the weekend. it's not that we couldn't have gotten by on our own, but she was expecting to be there and this is always how she prepares. her hospital time was unexpected. 

i also came to the realization based on my family's level of interaction that i don't think we will meet there for holidays once grandpa and grandma aren't there. that was like a punch in the stomach, but i also think that is why god gently directed my attention to my one and only love, and my close family. no matter where we get together, they will always be there. i had some really fun times with nicky, lauren, and terry. i was beyond comfortable having the hottie there. the only thing that reminded me that it was the first time she was there were questions like, so what do you do, sarah? from lauren. 

it was stressful and comfortable and relaxing and scary. i was registering all the feelings as i was having them. but it was nice to re reflect on them with a bit more perspective now that some time has passed. it's comforting to know that god had my monkey mind very focused and i got to enjoy every single person that was there and every single experience as it came.