two new year's resolutions and no, one of them is not to start capitalizing my work. if the computer won't do it for me then i don't care. spelling, i am all about. capitalization, not so much. what kind of program is this anyway? one that allows freedom, that's what kind!
ok, new year's resolutions = stuff i really need to work on anyway and it happens to be a new year. these days i need little to get me motivated so why not a new year.
1. write more. welcome to my blog. i also plan to start writing poetry again. i hope to have so much poetry that i will be forced to learn to play that guitar that i have had for 15 years and put some of it into song but one thing at a time.
2. be on time. i am not usually late, but i am always rushing around and sliding in exactly on time. no more. i am going to make more time for myself so that i don't have to rush around. i am going to keep a book in my car and make sure i have established this habit before i switch back to the scoot scoot in the spring.
ok, enough of that. 2012. what a year. i wanna take a moment to reflect on what i walked through, both good and bad. i want to throw myself a mini parade for my accomplishments and reflect on my mess ups.
last christmas i was still living in the oxford house. it was hard, but i was told to do it to stay sober, so i did. i lived there for eight months total, with a revolving door of five other addicts and alcoholics at any given time. it kept me sober and helped me grow in a way no other place on earth could have. i was and still am humbled and awed to have had that opportunity. that being said, when i outgrew it, it was time to go. i had grown in such a way that a member of the AA community asked me if i wanted to rent a room from them. what an honor to be displaying outwardly that i was trustworthy, and progressing forward in a way that someone else would notice and invite me into their home. humbled and honored. and able to springboard into my next phase. i stayed with her for eight months as well and eventually was spending so much time with the hottie that it seemed silly to be paying rent there, so i started looking for another place that was cheaper but not before getting frustrated and moving all my jazz into storage and making myself a homeless nomad. no one is perfect. i wasn't too hard on myself for that decision, but at this point in my life i am no longer making decisions just for me. this is taking some getting used to.
i am happy and proud to have just celebrated seven months with the hottie. we have already walked through a few difficult things together. i can not believe how happy she makes me and how much she challenges me. she has taught me so much about love and life and myself and strong women. our families and our upbringing are so different. it's really interesting and wonderful.
let's see. what else, what else? oh yeah, i enrolled, started and finished my first sober semester at community college. i found school to be so fun and engaging. since i have been sober, i have been amazed at how similar i am to the person i used to be in high school, but this student version of myself is different. i study. i work hard. and i get results. i received my first 4.0 GPA since probably grade school. i never got gay A's because i never worked for them. i have never had the experience of working hard for something i was invested in and getting the results that i wanted. i am ready to jump into my next and final semester at johnson county before heading to my beloved KU. if this is a dream, don't wake me.
i do not just want to sing about my awesomeness though. i had some really big mess ups this year. i fell flat on my face several times. i fell hard and it hurt. after more than one year at earl may garden center, a job that made me question why i ever left manhattan's horticulture arena and laugh because KU offers nothing in horticulture sciences, i was fired for being on my telephone when the wrong person walked in the door. i am understating. i was surfing the new Olympic apps on my iPhone while lounging on company patio furniture. a customer walked in, made a smart remark and called corporate. i was fired over the phone the next morning. i loved that job. god put me there and i messed it up. i know he has other plans for me, but it still stings months later that i let myself down like that.
and then there were relapses. three of them. three separate weekends, three different reason's, one hot mess of a disease. i have been to counseling, i have spoken with my skin gods, i have analyzed and evaluated. the first one was a freak accident where an alcoholic was caught off guard and acted on her own accord; a seriously d'oh! moment. at this point, i don't think i even remember the second one. i'm sure one of the people that i terrorized with my relapsing could tell you. between relapse two and three (i think) i wanted to drink every day. i remember saying to my sponsor that i didn't know how long i could have a desire to drink every day and not drink. i have heard stories about people wanting to drink every day for five years before the obsession finally went away. i can tell you now that i am not that strong. after about 30 days of wanting to drink, i drank. the first time was a freak accident, the third time i gave into the desire. but i picked myself back up off of my face and i started my journey over again. i had almost a year and a half of sobriety when i relapsed that first time. today i have 80 days or two months and 20 days. now, what did i learn? too much and not enough. i learned that i have a very strong desire to stay sober, to live sober. i learned that after almost a full year and a half i have successfully reprogrammed my brain and i have no desire to return to active drinking. i learned that i can make giant mistakes and not hate myself for them. i learned that hard work pays off. i have learned that i don't know much. i have never been a destination person, but i learned that i love the journey. a lot of my life has been very broody. i don't live like that today. i love myself and i love my life.
another thing that i wanted to mention for 2012 is all the people in my life. i have spent a decent amount of time working on relationships. the most important thing in my life is my connection with my loved ones. i am so blessed and cared for when it comes to people. i cherish and adore more people than i have ever deserved to have a shot of loving. i have worked really hard at finding good quality new friends here in lawrence because this is where i am supposed to be. i love this group of lawrence weirdos! i have made a conscience and consistent effort to spend time with and take part in the lives of my older friends. they are the ones that have been living their own lives and waiting for me to come back from hell for years. coming back from hell is not an instantaneous process either. it's grueling and takes time. my relationships with my family have improved as well. in classic alcoholic form i thought this would happen a year ago, so i am amused and intensely grateful to see the progress i have made there as well. thank you to everyone who has kicked my ass at some point or another and a second thanks to those who have done it over and over. i am a repeat offender when it comes to mistakes.
and the last thing i want to mention is my gratitude for those that have been willing to help me open my mind spiritually. there is more i want to say on this, but i don't know where to start. so for now, thank you. i hope you know who you are.
happy new year! 2013 everybody!
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