Posted below are a couple brainstorm sessions from when I was on the plane headed back. I might reiterate a bit so forgive that. The thing that keeps sticking out in my brain is that when I got to El Salvador it seemed so dark and dingy. Everything looked dirty. I am actually not a person who washes their hands very often, but I was horrified about that option being taken away. The first thing I noticed when I got there was that there was barbed wire on the airpot. Why would they need barbed wire for an airport? But by the time I left, I wasn't noticing it at all. And when I landed in Texas I was shocked to see how much I had gotten used to everything because the airport seemed so bright and right angly. I hadn't realized that I had gotten so used to things so quickly.
And I couldn't drive. The lines were so clear and everything was so uniform. I am grateful I was never on a motorcycle in El Sally or Nicaragua because I am certain that I would be wanting to break what are laws here but norm there.
And returning without Sarah was pretty traumatic. I didn't want to worry her by saying so, but this has been really hard. Stupid hard, but easier by the day. I am strong. I am amazed by myself quite regularly. My passions have been reaffirmed and I feel like my life has meaning and wonder. Shit is good. I can not believe how far I have come. I really can't believe it. I keep waiting for myself to mess up, but I just keep showing up to life and living. I can not tell you how grateful I am.
capital letters brought to you in honor of the hottie.
brain session notes...
So what from this trip?
Reaffirm openness.
Reaffirm that I don't wanna be an ass. It shows. And I don't like the reflection.
Continue education w zealous and humility. Explore yourself and figure your own personal humility and if this includes keeping your mouth shut then do it!
Keep writing. Seriously. Write shit down. Keep writing. You don't have to publish everything. Write things that are just for you or just for you and Sarah. Write silly poems. Write songs.
Brainstorm.
Live out loud.
Be grateful.
Keep searching for work. Don't stop and don't get frustrated cuz you are worth contribution. You will find something that fits exactly to you.
Start exploring other religions.
Express yourself. Never at the expense of others.
Be happy with what you have.
Save money. Seriously. Don't spend frivolously. Do everything with everyone, but don't spend money doing it.
Stop the nervous habits. Find peace. No more biting your damn skin.
Do more research. Always. In many ways.
Blog
I was so aware of the barbed wire when we arrived and surprised I even noticed it as I was leaving.
The people respond to you. How could they not?!
The highways looked impossible when I got there and simple as I was leaving.
I never got tired of Sarah. Not once. Hmmmm.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
somebody say when
there is a very big possibility that i don't know when enough is enough. i also have some issues with time management. i don't think either of these things will stop me from doing what i do, but i am always trying to better myself and be more efficient.
that being said, yes i did study some spanish on the break. some. i could have done a LOT more. I found that illusive list that i made on the last day of class last semester and there was very little on that list done.
it's interesting because my attention to detail is really not that great, but i am very meticulous. i don't skip steps or overbook things. but when i say that i don't overbook things, i mean that i don't book two things at the exact same time. i will cram one thing after another though until my head is spinning i haven't had time for myself and now the hottie in a week.
so we are learning and we are growing. it's painful and so much fun. i wouldn't change a single thing for the world, but i definitely have some room for improvement. when someone asks me how in god's name i could have scheduled a root canal (oh my owww, btw), the first day of a 15 credit semester, and then a week first time out of the country vacation and i have no answer at all for them, maybe something should be reevaluated. just a tweak. the real answer is that i looked over my trusty calendar and nothing directly overlapped minus the vaca, but come on!, who would pass that up? so i scheduled one thing after another. one of my goals of sobriety is to say yes. and my favorite B word is balance.
learning my limitations...
learning why it is harder to take direction from some than others...
have a great semester everyone! stay tuned for my survival stories.
that being said, yes i did study some spanish on the break. some. i could have done a LOT more. I found that illusive list that i made on the last day of class last semester and there was very little on that list done.
it's interesting because my attention to detail is really not that great, but i am very meticulous. i don't skip steps or overbook things. but when i say that i don't overbook things, i mean that i don't book two things at the exact same time. i will cram one thing after another though until my head is spinning i haven't had time for myself and now the hottie in a week.
so we are learning and we are growing. it's painful and so much fun. i wouldn't change a single thing for the world, but i definitely have some room for improvement. when someone asks me how in god's name i could have scheduled a root canal (oh my owww, btw), the first day of a 15 credit semester, and then a week first time out of the country vacation and i have no answer at all for them, maybe something should be reevaluated. just a tweak. the real answer is that i looked over my trusty calendar and nothing directly overlapped minus the vaca, but come on!, who would pass that up? so i scheduled one thing after another. one of my goals of sobriety is to say yes. and my favorite B word is balance.
learning my limitations...
learning why it is harder to take direction from some than others...
have a great semester everyone! stay tuned for my survival stories.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
my hamster got loose
my hamster usually stays on his wheel and powers my brain pretty efficiently. steady pace; one direction. but today he is loose all over the house. my thoughts just from one thing to the another and i can't seem to solve one problem or get one thing done before my head has jumped to another two or three things that i haven't gotten done.
there was the week before christmas, the week of christmas, the week of new year's and now what? one week left and i have gotten nothing done. so as i start to feel the strain that i have caused myself by not making a list and systematically checking one thing after another off, i also have added to my icky crazy making feelings by ruminating about the upcoming semester. i am so excited to be able to travel to El Salvador and Nicaragua, my first trip out of the country. i wouldn't change it for the world. god doesn't make mistakes and this trip was no accident. it could define what i want to do for the rest of my life. or just be a fun and different week, who knows?! but the side effect is that i won't be able to start my semester routine until a week later than everyone else. i hope to be laughing about this three or four weeks into the semester. we'll see.
i lost my food stamps due to my own irresponsibility of not reporting to them that i had returned to school. that would have given them the opportunity to tell me that you have to be working 20 hours a week while you are in school to receive food benefits. it's hard to get that many hours at the bee's with an average of three hours per shift. combine that with my sexist ass boss who's face makes me cringe and i have a nice pile of shit to work around for any income. before anyone suggests it, yes i am seeking other employment. that is exactly what you want to do when you start a new and harder semester than the last, get a new job too!
this post makes me uncomfortable. but this is the point of this blog. alcoholism is a disease. the isms are what this alcholic has to face on a daily basis even when and especially when i don't give into the drink. i only speak for myself. i have no idea how any other alcoholic lives inside their head. i have no idea how they keep their hamsters on the wheel. this is just my ongoing story. i had a desire to drink yesterday for a bit. i took action to make sure that is was a soft quick voice in my head. the isms are trying to derail me today and i think having a desire to drink would give my hamster purpose on his wheel instead of running free all over the house. it's a pretty odd way to look at things, but if i don't stay sober, there is nothing else for me.
Friday, January 4, 2013
happy new year!
why is it so hard to sit down and start writing? i have thoughts that circle and race through my head constantly. "that would be a great thing to blog about," i tell myself. and then turn on the tv or play on facebook instead. well this has to change.
two new year's resolutions and no, one of them is not to start capitalizing my work. if the computer won't do it for me then i don't care. spelling, i am all about. capitalization, not so much. what kind of program is this anyway? one that allows freedom, that's what kind!
ok, new year's resolutions = stuff i really need to work on anyway and it happens to be a new year. these days i need little to get me motivated so why not a new year.
1. write more. welcome to my blog. i also plan to start writing poetry again. i hope to have so much poetry that i will be forced to learn to play that guitar that i have had for 15 years and put some of it into song but one thing at a time.
2. be on time. i am not usually late, but i am always rushing around and sliding in exactly on time. no more. i am going to make more time for myself so that i don't have to rush around. i am going to keep a book in my car and make sure i have established this habit before i switch back to the scoot scoot in the spring.
ok, enough of that. 2012. what a year. i wanna take a moment to reflect on what i walked through, both good and bad. i want to throw myself a mini parade for my accomplishments and reflect on my mess ups.
last christmas i was still living in the oxford house. it was hard, but i was told to do it to stay sober, so i did. i lived there for eight months total, with a revolving door of five other addicts and alcoholics at any given time. it kept me sober and helped me grow in a way no other place on earth could have. i was and still am humbled and awed to have had that opportunity. that being said, when i outgrew it, it was time to go. i had grown in such a way that a member of the AA community asked me if i wanted to rent a room from them. what an honor to be displaying outwardly that i was trustworthy, and progressing forward in a way that someone else would notice and invite me into their home. humbled and honored. and able to springboard into my next phase. i stayed with her for eight months as well and eventually was spending so much time with the hottie that it seemed silly to be paying rent there, so i started looking for another place that was cheaper but not before getting frustrated and moving all my jazz into storage and making myself a homeless nomad. no one is perfect. i wasn't too hard on myself for that decision, but at this point in my life i am no longer making decisions just for me. this is taking some getting used to.
i am happy and proud to have just celebrated seven months with the hottie. we have already walked through a few difficult things together. i can not believe how happy she makes me and how much she challenges me. she has taught me so much about love and life and myself and strong women. our families and our upbringing are so different. it's really interesting and wonderful.
let's see. what else, what else? oh yeah, i enrolled, started and finished my first sober semester at community college. i found school to be so fun and engaging. since i have been sober, i have been amazed at how similar i am to the person i used to be in high school, but this student version of myself is different. i study. i work hard. and i get results. i received my first 4.0 GPA since probably grade school. i never got gay A's because i never worked for them. i have never had the experience of working hard for something i was invested in and getting the results that i wanted. i am ready to jump into my next and final semester at johnson county before heading to my beloved KU. if this is a dream, don't wake me.
i do not just want to sing about my awesomeness though. i had some really big mess ups this year. i fell flat on my face several times. i fell hard and it hurt. after more than one year at earl may garden center, a job that made me question why i ever left manhattan's horticulture arena and laugh because KU offers nothing in horticulture sciences, i was fired for being on my telephone when the wrong person walked in the door. i am understating. i was surfing the new Olympic apps on my iPhone while lounging on company patio furniture. a customer walked in, made a smart remark and called corporate. i was fired over the phone the next morning. i loved that job. god put me there and i messed it up. i know he has other plans for me, but it still stings months later that i let myself down like that.
and then there were relapses. three of them. three separate weekends, three different reason's, one hot mess of a disease. i have been to counseling, i have spoken with my skin gods, i have analyzed and evaluated. the first one was a freak accident where an alcoholic was caught off guard and acted on her own accord; a seriously d'oh! moment. at this point, i don't think i even remember the second one. i'm sure one of the people that i terrorized with my relapsing could tell you. between relapse two and three (i think) i wanted to drink every day. i remember saying to my sponsor that i didn't know how long i could have a desire to drink every day and not drink. i have heard stories about people wanting to drink every day for five years before the obsession finally went away. i can tell you now that i am not that strong. after about 30 days of wanting to drink, i drank. the first time was a freak accident, the third time i gave into the desire. but i picked myself back up off of my face and i started my journey over again. i had almost a year and a half of sobriety when i relapsed that first time. today i have 80 days or two months and 20 days. now, what did i learn? too much and not enough. i learned that i have a very strong desire to stay sober, to live sober. i learned that after almost a full year and a half i have successfully reprogrammed my brain and i have no desire to return to active drinking. i learned that i can make giant mistakes and not hate myself for them. i learned that hard work pays off. i have learned that i don't know much. i have never been a destination person, but i learned that i love the journey. a lot of my life has been very broody. i don't live like that today. i love myself and i love my life.
another thing that i wanted to mention for 2012 is all the people in my life. i have spent a decent amount of time working on relationships. the most important thing in my life is my connection with my loved ones. i am so blessed and cared for when it comes to people. i cherish and adore more people than i have ever deserved to have a shot of loving. i have worked really hard at finding good quality new friends here in lawrence because this is where i am supposed to be. i love this group of lawrence weirdos! i have made a conscience and consistent effort to spend time with and take part in the lives of my older friends. they are the ones that have been living their own lives and waiting for me to come back from hell for years. coming back from hell is not an instantaneous process either. it's grueling and takes time. my relationships with my family have improved as well. in classic alcoholic form i thought this would happen a year ago, so i am amused and intensely grateful to see the progress i have made there as well. thank you to everyone who has kicked my ass at some point or another and a second thanks to those who have done it over and over. i am a repeat offender when it comes to mistakes.
and the last thing i want to mention is my gratitude for those that have been willing to help me open my mind spiritually. there is more i want to say on this, but i don't know where to start. so for now, thank you. i hope you know who you are.
happy new year! 2013 everybody!
two new year's resolutions and no, one of them is not to start capitalizing my work. if the computer won't do it for me then i don't care. spelling, i am all about. capitalization, not so much. what kind of program is this anyway? one that allows freedom, that's what kind!
ok, new year's resolutions = stuff i really need to work on anyway and it happens to be a new year. these days i need little to get me motivated so why not a new year.
1. write more. welcome to my blog. i also plan to start writing poetry again. i hope to have so much poetry that i will be forced to learn to play that guitar that i have had for 15 years and put some of it into song but one thing at a time.
2. be on time. i am not usually late, but i am always rushing around and sliding in exactly on time. no more. i am going to make more time for myself so that i don't have to rush around. i am going to keep a book in my car and make sure i have established this habit before i switch back to the scoot scoot in the spring.
ok, enough of that. 2012. what a year. i wanna take a moment to reflect on what i walked through, both good and bad. i want to throw myself a mini parade for my accomplishments and reflect on my mess ups.
last christmas i was still living in the oxford house. it was hard, but i was told to do it to stay sober, so i did. i lived there for eight months total, with a revolving door of five other addicts and alcoholics at any given time. it kept me sober and helped me grow in a way no other place on earth could have. i was and still am humbled and awed to have had that opportunity. that being said, when i outgrew it, it was time to go. i had grown in such a way that a member of the AA community asked me if i wanted to rent a room from them. what an honor to be displaying outwardly that i was trustworthy, and progressing forward in a way that someone else would notice and invite me into their home. humbled and honored. and able to springboard into my next phase. i stayed with her for eight months as well and eventually was spending so much time with the hottie that it seemed silly to be paying rent there, so i started looking for another place that was cheaper but not before getting frustrated and moving all my jazz into storage and making myself a homeless nomad. no one is perfect. i wasn't too hard on myself for that decision, but at this point in my life i am no longer making decisions just for me. this is taking some getting used to.
i am happy and proud to have just celebrated seven months with the hottie. we have already walked through a few difficult things together. i can not believe how happy she makes me and how much she challenges me. she has taught me so much about love and life and myself and strong women. our families and our upbringing are so different. it's really interesting and wonderful.
let's see. what else, what else? oh yeah, i enrolled, started and finished my first sober semester at community college. i found school to be so fun and engaging. since i have been sober, i have been amazed at how similar i am to the person i used to be in high school, but this student version of myself is different. i study. i work hard. and i get results. i received my first 4.0 GPA since probably grade school. i never got gay A's because i never worked for them. i have never had the experience of working hard for something i was invested in and getting the results that i wanted. i am ready to jump into my next and final semester at johnson county before heading to my beloved KU. if this is a dream, don't wake me.
i do not just want to sing about my awesomeness though. i had some really big mess ups this year. i fell flat on my face several times. i fell hard and it hurt. after more than one year at earl may garden center, a job that made me question why i ever left manhattan's horticulture arena and laugh because KU offers nothing in horticulture sciences, i was fired for being on my telephone when the wrong person walked in the door. i am understating. i was surfing the new Olympic apps on my iPhone while lounging on company patio furniture. a customer walked in, made a smart remark and called corporate. i was fired over the phone the next morning. i loved that job. god put me there and i messed it up. i know he has other plans for me, but it still stings months later that i let myself down like that.
and then there were relapses. three of them. three separate weekends, three different reason's, one hot mess of a disease. i have been to counseling, i have spoken with my skin gods, i have analyzed and evaluated. the first one was a freak accident where an alcoholic was caught off guard and acted on her own accord; a seriously d'oh! moment. at this point, i don't think i even remember the second one. i'm sure one of the people that i terrorized with my relapsing could tell you. between relapse two and three (i think) i wanted to drink every day. i remember saying to my sponsor that i didn't know how long i could have a desire to drink every day and not drink. i have heard stories about people wanting to drink every day for five years before the obsession finally went away. i can tell you now that i am not that strong. after about 30 days of wanting to drink, i drank. the first time was a freak accident, the third time i gave into the desire. but i picked myself back up off of my face and i started my journey over again. i had almost a year and a half of sobriety when i relapsed that first time. today i have 80 days or two months and 20 days. now, what did i learn? too much and not enough. i learned that i have a very strong desire to stay sober, to live sober. i learned that after almost a full year and a half i have successfully reprogrammed my brain and i have no desire to return to active drinking. i learned that i can make giant mistakes and not hate myself for them. i learned that hard work pays off. i have learned that i don't know much. i have never been a destination person, but i learned that i love the journey. a lot of my life has been very broody. i don't live like that today. i love myself and i love my life.
another thing that i wanted to mention for 2012 is all the people in my life. i have spent a decent amount of time working on relationships. the most important thing in my life is my connection with my loved ones. i am so blessed and cared for when it comes to people. i cherish and adore more people than i have ever deserved to have a shot of loving. i have worked really hard at finding good quality new friends here in lawrence because this is where i am supposed to be. i love this group of lawrence weirdos! i have made a conscience and consistent effort to spend time with and take part in the lives of my older friends. they are the ones that have been living their own lives and waiting for me to come back from hell for years. coming back from hell is not an instantaneous process either. it's grueling and takes time. my relationships with my family have improved as well. in classic alcoholic form i thought this would happen a year ago, so i am amused and intensely grateful to see the progress i have made there as well. thank you to everyone who has kicked my ass at some point or another and a second thanks to those who have done it over and over. i am a repeat offender when it comes to mistakes.
and the last thing i want to mention is my gratitude for those that have been willing to help me open my mind spiritually. there is more i want to say on this, but i don't know where to start. so for now, thank you. i hope you know who you are.
happy new year! 2013 everybody!
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