my hamster got loose

my hamster usually stays on his wheel and powers my brain pretty efficiently. steady pace; one direction. but today he is loose all over the house. my thoughts just from one thing to the another and i can't seem to solve one problem or get one thing done before my head has jumped to another two or three things that i haven't gotten done. 

classes start again in one week. three of the four week break is over. this is the first time ever ever that i have had a regular college kid break from school. my initial observations are that it is too long. if i had not been somewhat focused and determined with a few goals in mind and a part time job i would have been insane by now. that being said, i have not completed even half the goals that i laid out for myself. i am frustrated and overwhelmed. my routine hasn't existed since december 14th. and it has been hard! 

there was the week before christmas, the week of christmas, the week of new year's and now what? one week left and i have gotten nothing done. so as i start to feel the strain that i have caused myself by not making a list and systematically checking one thing after another off, i also have added to my icky crazy making feelings by ruminating about the upcoming semester. i am so excited to be able to travel to El Salvador and Nicaragua, my first trip out of the country. i wouldn't change it for the world. god doesn't make mistakes and this trip was no accident. it could define what i want to do for the rest of my life. or just be a fun and different week, who knows?! but the side effect is that i won't be able to start my semester routine until a week later than everyone else. i hope to be laughing about this three or four weeks into the semester. we'll see. 

i lost my food stamps due to my own irresponsibility of not reporting to them that i had returned to school. that would have given them the opportunity to tell me that you have to be working 20 hours a week while you are in school to receive food benefits. it's hard to get that many hours at the bee's with an average of three hours per shift. combine that with my sexist ass boss who's face makes me cringe and i have a nice pile of shit to work around for any income. before anyone suggests it, yes i am seeking other employment. that is exactly what you want to do when you start a new and harder semester than the last, get a new job too! 

this post makes me uncomfortable. but this is the point of this blog. alcoholism is a disease. the isms are what this alcholic has to face on a daily basis even when and especially when i don't give into the drink. i only speak for myself. i have no idea how any other alcoholic lives inside their head. i have no idea how they keep their hamsters on the wheel. this is just my ongoing story. i had a desire to drink yesterday for a bit. i took action to make sure that is was a soft quick voice in my head. the isms are trying to derail me today and i think having a desire to drink would give my hamster purpose on his wheel instead of running free all over the house. it's a pretty odd way to look at things, but if i don't stay sober, there is nothing else for me.