I wonder if anyone will want to read this if I say things are going well. Well? Things are going well. I have found my grove in this semester. It has required a more efficient me. I get up at least once or twice a week at 4am to study. It's quiet. There are no rat dogs running about and barking at blowing leaves, the neighbor kid that has no clue how loud he talks is still sleeping, the birds are chipping, and the sun is rising. I love it. This is a far far cry from my past habits. It's a little baffling and yet, not so much. He does for me what I can't do for me. I know at least one or two of you reading just rolled your eyes. And now you are smiling cuz you know I am talking about you. Thank god for friends who love me just the way I am and visa versa, god talk and all.
So god has helped me up my study game. I have increased the intensity of my workouts and I do extra workouts at any given moment. I was staying in a hotel last night for an AA conference wasn't even thinking about working out, and then passed a fitness center. I almost ditched my peeps for an hour to sweat a little. If they had had a bike, I would have. But I have upped the intensity of the workouts including harder resistance on the bike and longer rides. I would be kicking ass even more if I had more time in my day at school, but this is how I set things up for the semester. Just as last semester, I haven't lost a single pound, but ALL my jeans fit better in the thigh and waist area.
As a result of the working out, I have been craving better foods. I am still ridiculous about sugar. Ice cream before bed and a chocolate hershey's heart with my coffee. Really, Holly? But this is not the time to work on the sugar addiction. What I have done is add more veggies and fruit. I try to eat balanced but am most excited about the exercise It's all biking now, but I would like to get back into running if I could actually loose some pounds. Again, all in good time. I don't want to demean my progress because I am really happy with it.
My Costa Rica application is almost complete, I applied to KU, my FAFSA is donzos. I started looking online for private scholarships After working my ass off these last two sober semesters I missed the application deadline for transfer scholarships. Let the self flagellation begin! It was a renewable scholarship Nothing happens in god's world by mistake? Ok, then i just need to keep taking the next step. Individual scholarship applications.
So I am not only getting my homework done regularly and confidently now, but it is at a level that I am happy with. I don't just do homework to check it off a list. I do it to learn the materiel. I think I am in a huge minority in this instance college kids. A kid in my Spanish class said he would be happy if he could just pull a 70% out of this class. There are times when I wish I could consider a thought process like that. My homework this semester is not hard, but it is long and tedious. Wax on, Wax off. Going through the motions.
Add that to a new part time job at Pyramid Pizza so that I can log on my 20 hours and get my food stamps reinstated. Add that to beginning the process of filling out one scholarship application after another. I think I have at least 25 on my list at the moment. Add that to a most rewarding grown up relationship with the hottie. Add that to my recovery and church family and functions. Life is good. Are you still reading?
I can't believe that I even made it a week without god. My lent commitments have stood. I am reading two daily reflection books every morning. One from AA, one from church. Looking back on things now, I see that coming back from El Salvador without the hottie was necessary to send me into the depression that was necessary to set me up right here right now. There is a long long way to go, but there has to be a basis of a relationship with god to start anything. I think there are huge changes to come in my relationship with him, but I am no longer scared of those changes. I am working to become the head of a household. A wife. A mother. A leader who leads by example. Holy what?! And that is not something I take for granted. It is not something I feel entitled to. Who is writing this?! I have huge entitlemet issues! It something I would like to interview for some day in a way that the interview will just be a formality because I know that I have already done the work to get the job. Whoa. That was deep. Gotta go. xx
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Getting out of my own way
I knew this religion class would make me think. I am taking intro to world religions this semester and it lives up to its name. We study a list of about 25 vocab words per religion, spend 2 class times on it, read some readings, hear a lecture or two and then we are off to the next one. And of course I am fascinated by each and every one. I have always felt like my god was bigger than anything that I was able to conceptualize and always found it curious that there were so many different organized religions. I genuinely felt that god must be in all of them and why couldn't we just combine them? But I have never done the research. I mean, where do you start? The answer? Johnson County Community College. What an amazing opportunity I have in front of me to be getting an overview of a large handful of the worlds most prominent religions.
Recently I have been struggling with codependence. I chuckle now as my computer is telling me that I have spelled it wrong or wants me to change it to codependency.
Work done with anxiety about results is far inferior to work done without such anxiety, in the calm of self surrender. Seek refuge in the knowledge of Brahman. They who work selfishly for results are miserable."
Recently I have been struggling with codependence. I chuckle now as my computer is telling me that I have spelled it wrong or wants me to change it to codependency.
adjective
1.
of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.
noun
2.
one who is codependent or in a codependent relationship.
Origin:
1985–90
1985–90
The first thing that I noticed about this definition is how young it is. This word's origin is younger than me. I was only six when it was first coming about, can you imagine?! I am studying world religions and the origins of western civilization this semester in college with years that I have trouble visualizing in my head and then look, 1985.
The next thing that I noticed is that this definition requires that the afflicted person be addicted to someone that has a substance abuse problem. While I would never change this in the origin of the word as I think it is how it came about, I don't think this is true any longer. My codependence is me being addicted to another person, or people. Period. It is me trying to get my happiness from outside of myself, from another person or persons. And this is super dangerous for me.
I am very hard on myself. And I am very hard on others whether they know it or not or whether I have it contained for a short time or not. I am a critical person, so looking for another to make me happy literally could be a life threatening situation for someone like me. You don't make me happy, I would like to change the way I feel, I drink, I die.
But that is not going to happen. What is going to happen is the launch of a self discovery episode. Let it begin with me. Lent is upon us. Yesterday, on the third day of lent, I still hadn't decided what to "give up". The homily on Ash Wednesday was about not giving things up just to suffer, but to give up that which keeps us from god. And boy do I have the options to choose from... I may still give something up but what I have decided to do is add a morning reflection/meditation/prayer and daily reading. I received a very sweet gift from a friend at church called "the light of lent through the gospels" and has a reading for each day of lent. Guess who is four days behind.
My goal is to get myself out of my way, open my heart, spirit, and soul so that god can do his work. My feelings have been kicking my butt lately. I refuse to call it depression (that's between me and my therapist thank you very much.), but I have been sad, and angry lately. And self critical. If I can't please myself and learn how to chill the hell out, then no one else has a shot.
From the Bhagava Gita: "The most popular, important, influetial, and luminous of all the Hindu scriptures."
"Act without seeking the fruits of action:
[Krishna:] You have the right to work, but for the work's sake only. You have no right to the fruits of your work. Desire for the fruits of your work must never be the motive in working. Never give way to laziness either.
Perform every action with your heart fixed on the Supreme Lord. Renounce attachment the fruits. Be even tempered in success and failure; for it is evenness of temper which is meant by yoga.
Work done with anxiety about results is far inferior to work done without such anxiety, in the calm of self surrender. Seek refuge in the knowledge of Brahman. They who work selfishly for results are miserable."
Sunday, February 3, 2013
My skin gods brought me back to god
The first thing I want to say is don't think this happened overnight. It took me almost two weeks to post about the struggles I was having in my last post. The second thing I want to say is that I think that if there are 1000 problems then there must be 2001 answers. And I found a few today.
One was validation. Maybe it was summing up everything that has happened in the last month to a friend that hasn't been going through it on a day to day basis with me. Maybe I needed that one person to say that any one of my troubles could be hard to deal with, but put them all together and it's no wonder things feel gummed up. There are five women in my entire life that could do what she did today and each one of them is just as capable of kicking my ass as soothing it. I call them my skin gods.
I forgot about expectations and self critique. I took a step back and a deep breath. I forgot to tell myself how to be and just was.
Since January 15th I have...
Started my second sober semester with five instead of four classes on a tues/thurs 11 hour day. I had some concerns about this, but wanted to test my limits.
Traveled out of the country for the very first time to two countries that I didn't know too much about and again, had some concerns but took the chance for this adventure with 100% faith in my beloved. I loved it and have zero regrets.
However, I can home without her and was on my own for almost a week. The weather there was tropical and that was not the case here. I returned after having missed two sessions of each of my classes. Again, something I will never regret, but would probably not do again.
After a few more sessions of class I realized that I am not fond of two out of four of my teachers. (my last class is gym, no teacher) I don't think I have ever had a semester of any kind of school ever where I didn't like a teacher, let alone two. And there was really not ever a moment in my first sober semester where I was that far behind. I am still finding my groove.
And then there is work. I am having to compete with others to get hours which includes jumping through hoops and doing tricks instead of my actual job. I am a little terrified of money at the moment because I have some from school funds. My ability to contribute to the purple couch household is a valid concern. So I have worked up a resume, sent it to a trusted friend for editing, revised it, and sent it out all over town. I have received little response. That search continues.
Things are great with the hottie but this also means pretty serious and with that comes concern. With that for me comes self pressure to be on top of things and stay healthy.
Application time for KU and Costa Rica are headed down the pike.
I hadn't put all of this together until I sat and spoke with my friend. I hadn't mapped it out. I hadn't looked at a timeline. Another small conversation lead to the actual hours of in class time plus the hours of expected study time totaling out at about 42 for school. 14 hours in class per week and if you study two hours for every hour you are in class then you would be studying 28 hours per week. Add me wanting to work 20 hours a week and we have a full full schedule, people.
Where is god in all this? I haven't been to church in at least two weeks, maybe three. I wouldn't ever give up my study time or my recovery time, why my god time? I have been distant for weeks and hadn't even noticed it!
I just hadn't put this all down in black and white. It all feels pretty validating. Maybe I am not a sad, crazy, lost person, but someone who has come a long long way from not being able to make it past 10 am without a shot of vodka. If god is within us and I haven't spoken to god, no wonder I have lost touch with myself. If everything happens through and with god, then no wonder things have been so hard to get done. I took the driver's seat back. Time to ride shotgun again.
One was validation. Maybe it was summing up everything that has happened in the last month to a friend that hasn't been going through it on a day to day basis with me. Maybe I needed that one person to say that any one of my troubles could be hard to deal with, but put them all together and it's no wonder things feel gummed up. There are five women in my entire life that could do what she did today and each one of them is just as capable of kicking my ass as soothing it. I call them my skin gods.
I forgot about expectations and self critique. I took a step back and a deep breath. I forgot to tell myself how to be and just was.
Since January 15th I have...
Started my second sober semester with five instead of four classes on a tues/thurs 11 hour day. I had some concerns about this, but wanted to test my limits.
Traveled out of the country for the very first time to two countries that I didn't know too much about and again, had some concerns but took the chance for this adventure with 100% faith in my beloved. I loved it and have zero regrets.
However, I can home without her and was on my own for almost a week. The weather there was tropical and that was not the case here. I returned after having missed two sessions of each of my classes. Again, something I will never regret, but would probably not do again.
After a few more sessions of class I realized that I am not fond of two out of four of my teachers. (my last class is gym, no teacher) I don't think I have ever had a semester of any kind of school ever where I didn't like a teacher, let alone two. And there was really not ever a moment in my first sober semester where I was that far behind. I am still finding my groove.
And then there is work. I am having to compete with others to get hours which includes jumping through hoops and doing tricks instead of my actual job. I am a little terrified of money at the moment because I have some from school funds. My ability to contribute to the purple couch household is a valid concern. So I have worked up a resume, sent it to a trusted friend for editing, revised it, and sent it out all over town. I have received little response. That search continues.
Things are great with the hottie but this also means pretty serious and with that comes concern. With that for me comes self pressure to be on top of things and stay healthy.
Application time for KU and Costa Rica are headed down the pike.
I hadn't put all of this together until I sat and spoke with my friend. I hadn't mapped it out. I hadn't looked at a timeline. Another small conversation lead to the actual hours of in class time plus the hours of expected study time totaling out at about 42 for school. 14 hours in class per week and if you study two hours for every hour you are in class then you would be studying 28 hours per week. Add me wanting to work 20 hours a week and we have a full full schedule, people.
Where is god in all this? I haven't been to church in at least two weeks, maybe three. I wouldn't ever give up my study time or my recovery time, why my god time? I have been distant for weeks and hadn't even noticed it!
I just hadn't put this all down in black and white. It all feels pretty validating. Maybe I am not a sad, crazy, lost person, but someone who has come a long long way from not being able to make it past 10 am without a shot of vodka. If god is within us and I haven't spoken to god, no wonder I have lost touch with myself. If everything happens through and with god, then no wonder things have been so hard to get done. I took the driver's seat back. Time to ride shotgun again.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Where did I go?
I have been so happy with my level of functioning for at least the last semester that I don't know what to do with myself lately. I have been unmotivated and moody.
I mentioned earlier how hard it was coming back to Kansas without the hottie. I was not being completely honest. Well i was saying it very lightly. When actually it was about the hardest thing that I have done in recent memory.
But what ended happening is that I didn't get off the couch for almost a week. Traveling without the hottie sucked. Its not like I have never traveled alone, but coming off that amazing week, it sucked. All of a sudden I was having to talk to strangers and actually play on my phone. I hadn't realized how relaxed and in the moment I had been.
By the time I was standing in the parking lot at the Kansas City airport looking for the car that I had so casually followed her away from a week earlier, I was in tears. I drove straight home and turned on the TV. I didn't turn it off for almost a week. There are certain things that I have refused to do since I got sober like watch TV more than a few hours at a time and sleep on the couch. I don't even remember taking my suitcase upstairs, but I never unpacked it. I couldn't sleep in our bed. I never turned off the TV. I did make it to class and looking back now, I am grateful that I did. I considered not going. What a mess that would have been. That is the only time I got off the couch all week. And the only time I turned off the TV. I didn't eat. I barely slept. I didn't even talk to the hottie when she tried to call. The whole week is a blur, but I know that as soon as I turned the TV off or was in between shows the silence and space were deafening.
I was worried about everything but unable to do anything. I didn't want her to know how much I was struggling so I told her everything was fine. I spoke to my family. I think I told them that the trip wasn't even that great. And to be honest, I believed that for the first week that I was back. In actuality, I just couldn't see how much fun I had. I couldn't think about how much fun we had and how many things we had seen because I was so so sad.
I kind of feel like I cheated my family and friends out of hearing about my awesome trip too. We had an amazing time. When people were asking me about it at first though, I down played it to the max because I couldn't feel how wonderful it had been without her here. It scared me in a co-dependent kind of way.
Well the hottie is back. My world is aligned again. But there is this lingering feeling. I am super upset with myself for my week of misery. I don't treat myself like I treat others and that upsets me as well. My level of functioning and zealous for life has not fully returned. It scares me and I know it scared her. My motivation hasn't come back. There is a lot more there than there was.
I guess what this long rambly entry leads to is that I want to be as kind and patient and understanding with myself as I would be with the ones I love. Truthfully, even the ones that I don't care for. But my main problem is that I spend 24/7 with me. The very moment that I loose focus or don't complete what I wanted to in a day or start biting my fingers or realize that the house is a mess or my books and papers aren't as organized as I would like or any one of a thousand things, I start to get down on myself. The positive talk doesn't come as easy and things start to slide down hill.
These past two weeks have been a struggle. I didn't realize how high my level of functioning had been and now that it is remaining a little lower than it was, I am amazed at how I was flying though life and how much I was accomplishing. I am frustrated that it hasn't returned fully. I don't want it to affect the hottie. I don't want it to affect my sobriety. I don't want it to affect my schooling.
i am supposed to be applying to KU very soon. There is an unfinished application to study in Costa Rica this summer on my table. I am not happy with my job. You can barely call it a job as I struggle constantly to even get 5 shifts a week. I am unmotivated to send out another round of resumes. I sent over 100 out to KU and places around town. I got 1 call and by the time I was back from vacation, they were not returning my calls. All my classes are crammed into 2 really hard long days this semester. I like them fine and am engaged when I am at school. Not loving my teachers as much as last semester and not loving college teachers in general as much as high school teachers. But my grades are fine at the moment. I fear that once things start becoming difficult to do, that I won't persevere. I feel barely motivated to get done what I need to get done for this very moment in life and fearful that my motivation and level of functioning might be gone for a while. I'm lost.
Thank god that my mood in general is fine. I mean I don't feel sad or like drinking or anything, but I just don't feel like conquering the world these past 2 or 3 weeks now and that really really scares me because I think I might need that level of motivation to get done what every other "normal" person on earth gets done. I have to work harder to get the same results as many and I haven't felt like running faster to keep up for a minute now.
It does feel good to get some of this out. I hope I didn't scare anyone. Especially one. And if you actually read this far, let me know what you think. Yes, I am going to therapy and meetings. I exercise. I eat decent. I need to more, but I pray. I am madly in love. I do ok day to day. But I wonder if I am not living up to my theme song, Alicia Keys, This Girl in on Fire.
I mentioned earlier how hard it was coming back to Kansas without the hottie. I was not being completely honest. Well i was saying it very lightly. When actually it was about the hardest thing that I have done in recent memory.
But what ended happening is that I didn't get off the couch for almost a week. Traveling without the hottie sucked. Its not like I have never traveled alone, but coming off that amazing week, it sucked. All of a sudden I was having to talk to strangers and actually play on my phone. I hadn't realized how relaxed and in the moment I had been.
By the time I was standing in the parking lot at the Kansas City airport looking for the car that I had so casually followed her away from a week earlier, I was in tears. I drove straight home and turned on the TV. I didn't turn it off for almost a week. There are certain things that I have refused to do since I got sober like watch TV more than a few hours at a time and sleep on the couch. I don't even remember taking my suitcase upstairs, but I never unpacked it. I couldn't sleep in our bed. I never turned off the TV. I did make it to class and looking back now, I am grateful that I did. I considered not going. What a mess that would have been. That is the only time I got off the couch all week. And the only time I turned off the TV. I didn't eat. I barely slept. I didn't even talk to the hottie when she tried to call. The whole week is a blur, but I know that as soon as I turned the TV off or was in between shows the silence and space were deafening.
I was worried about everything but unable to do anything. I didn't want her to know how much I was struggling so I told her everything was fine. I spoke to my family. I think I told them that the trip wasn't even that great. And to be honest, I believed that for the first week that I was back. In actuality, I just couldn't see how much fun I had. I couldn't think about how much fun we had and how many things we had seen because I was so so sad.
I kind of feel like I cheated my family and friends out of hearing about my awesome trip too. We had an amazing time. When people were asking me about it at first though, I down played it to the max because I couldn't feel how wonderful it had been without her here. It scared me in a co-dependent kind of way.
Well the hottie is back. My world is aligned again. But there is this lingering feeling. I am super upset with myself for my week of misery. I don't treat myself like I treat others and that upsets me as well. My level of functioning and zealous for life has not fully returned. It scares me and I know it scared her. My motivation hasn't come back. There is a lot more there than there was.
I guess what this long rambly entry leads to is that I want to be as kind and patient and understanding with myself as I would be with the ones I love. Truthfully, even the ones that I don't care for. But my main problem is that I spend 24/7 with me. The very moment that I loose focus or don't complete what I wanted to in a day or start biting my fingers or realize that the house is a mess or my books and papers aren't as organized as I would like or any one of a thousand things, I start to get down on myself. The positive talk doesn't come as easy and things start to slide down hill.
These past two weeks have been a struggle. I didn't realize how high my level of functioning had been and now that it is remaining a little lower than it was, I am amazed at how I was flying though life and how much I was accomplishing. I am frustrated that it hasn't returned fully. I don't want it to affect the hottie. I don't want it to affect my sobriety. I don't want it to affect my schooling.
i am supposed to be applying to KU very soon. There is an unfinished application to study in Costa Rica this summer on my table. I am not happy with my job. You can barely call it a job as I struggle constantly to even get 5 shifts a week. I am unmotivated to send out another round of resumes. I sent over 100 out to KU and places around town. I got 1 call and by the time I was back from vacation, they were not returning my calls. All my classes are crammed into 2 really hard long days this semester. I like them fine and am engaged when I am at school. Not loving my teachers as much as last semester and not loving college teachers in general as much as high school teachers. But my grades are fine at the moment. I fear that once things start becoming difficult to do, that I won't persevere. I feel barely motivated to get done what I need to get done for this very moment in life and fearful that my motivation and level of functioning might be gone for a while. I'm lost.
Thank god that my mood in general is fine. I mean I don't feel sad or like drinking or anything, but I just don't feel like conquering the world these past 2 or 3 weeks now and that really really scares me because I think I might need that level of motivation to get done what every other "normal" person on earth gets done. I have to work harder to get the same results as many and I haven't felt like running faster to keep up for a minute now.
It does feel good to get some of this out. I hope I didn't scare anyone. Especially one. And if you actually read this far, let me know what you think. Yes, I am going to therapy and meetings. I exercise. I eat decent. I need to more, but I pray. I am madly in love. I do ok day to day. But I wonder if I am not living up to my theme song, Alicia Keys, This Girl in on Fire.
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