Getting out of my own way

I knew this religion class would make me think. I am taking intro to world religions this semester and it lives up to its name. We study a list of about 25 vocab words per religion, spend 2 class times on it, read some readings, hear a lecture or two and then we are off to the next one. And of course I am fascinated by each and every one. I have always felt like my god was bigger than anything that I was able to conceptualize and always found it curious that there were so many different organized religions. I genuinely felt that god must be in all of them and why couldn't we just combine them? But I have never done the research. I mean, where do you start? The answer? Johnson County Community College. What an amazing opportunity I have in front of me to be getting an overview of a large handful of the worlds most prominent religions. 

Recently I have been struggling with codependence. I chuckle now as my computer is telling me that I have spelled it wrong or wants me to change it to codependency. 

co·de·pend·ent

  [koh-di-pen-duhnt] 

adjective

1.

of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

noun

2.

one who is codependent or in a codependent relationship.

Origin: 
1985–90

The first thing that I noticed about this definition is how young it is. This word's origin is younger than me. I was only six when it was first coming about, can you imagine?! I am studying world religions and the origins of western civilization this semester in college with years that I have trouble visualizing in my head and then look, 1985. 

The next thing that I noticed is that this definition requires that the afflicted person be addicted to someone that has a substance abuse problem. While I would never change this in the origin of the word as I think it is how it came about, I don't think this is true any longer. My codependence is me being addicted to another person, or people. Period. It is me trying to get my happiness from outside of myself, from another person or persons. And this is super dangerous for me. 

I am very hard on myself. And I am very hard on others whether they know it or not or whether I have it contained for a short time or not. I am a critical person, so looking for another to make me happy literally could be a life threatening situation for someone like me. You don't make me happy, I would like to change the way I feel, I drink, I die. 

But that is not going to happen. What is going to happen is the launch of a self discovery episode. Let it begin with me. Lent is upon us. Yesterday, on the third day of lent, I still hadn't decided what to "give up". The homily on Ash Wednesday was about not giving things up just to suffer, but to give up that which keeps us from god. And boy do I have the options to choose from... I may still give something up but what I have decided to do is add a morning reflection/meditation/prayer and daily reading. I received a very sweet gift from a friend at church called "the light of lent through the gospels" and has a reading for each day of lent. Guess who is four days behind. 

My goal is to get myself out of my way, open my heart, spirit, and soul so that god can do his work. My feelings have been kicking my butt lately. I refuse to call it depression (that's between me and my therapist thank you very much.), but I have been sad, and angry lately. And self critical. If I can't please myself and learn how to chill the hell out, then no one else has a shot. 

From the Bhagava Gita: "The most popular, important, influetial, and luminous of all the Hindu scriptures."

"Act without seeking the fruits of action:

[Krishna:] You have the right to work, but for the work's sake only. You have no right to the fruits of your work. Desire for the fruits of your work must never be the motive in working. Never give way to laziness either. 

Perform every action with your heart fixed on the Supreme Lord. Renounce attachment the fruits. Be even tempered in success and failure; for it is evenness of temper which is meant by yoga.

Work done with anxiety about results is far inferior to work done without such anxiety, in the calm of self surrender. Seek refuge in the knowledge of Brahman. They who work selfishly for results are miserable."