Where did I go?

I have been so happy with my level of functioning for at least the last semester that I don't know what to do with myself lately. I have been unmotivated and moody.

I mentioned earlier how hard it was coming back to Kansas without the hottie. I was not being completely honest. Well i was saying it very lightly. When actually it was about the hardest thing that I have done in recent memory.

But what ended happening is that I didn't get off the couch for almost a week. Traveling without the hottie sucked. Its not like I have never traveled alone, but coming off that amazing week, it sucked. All of a sudden I was having to talk to strangers and actually play on my phone. I hadn't realized how relaxed and in the moment I had been.

By the time I was standing in the parking lot at the Kansas City airport looking for the car that I had so casually followed her away from a week earlier, I was in tears. I drove straight home and turned on the TV. I didn't turn it off for almost a week. There are certain things that I have refused to do since I got sober like watch TV more than a few hours at a time and sleep on the couch. I don't even remember taking my suitcase upstairs, but I never unpacked it. I couldn't sleep in our bed. I never turned off the TV. I did make it to class and looking back now, I am grateful that I did. I considered not going. What a mess that would have been. That is the only time I got off the couch all week. And the only time I turned off the TV. I didn't eat. I barely slept. I didn't even talk to the hottie when she tried to call. The whole week is a blur, but I know that as soon as I turned the TV off or was in between shows the silence and space were deafening.

I was worried about everything but unable to do anything. I didn't want her to know how much I was struggling so I told her everything was fine. I spoke to my family. I think I told them that the trip wasn't even that great. And to be honest, I believed that for the first week that I was back. In actuality, I just couldn't see how much fun I had. I couldn't think about how much fun we had and how many things we had seen because I was so so sad.

I kind of feel like I cheated my family and friends out of hearing about my awesome trip too. We had an amazing time. When people were asking me about it at first though, I down played it to the max because I couldn't feel how wonderful it had been without her here. It scared me in a co-dependent kind of way.

Well the hottie is back. My world is aligned again. But there is this lingering feeling. I am super upset with myself for my week of misery. I don't treat myself like I treat others and that upsets me as well. My level of functioning and zealous for life has not fully returned. It scares me and I know it scared her. My motivation hasn't come back. There is a lot more there than there was.

I guess what this long rambly entry leads to is that I want to be as kind and patient and understanding with myself as I would be with the ones I love. Truthfully, even the ones that I don't care for. But my main problem is that I spend 24/7 with me. The very moment that I loose focus or don't complete what I wanted to in a day or start biting my fingers or realize that the house is a mess or my books and papers aren't as organized as I would like or any one of a thousand things, I start to get down on myself. The positive talk doesn't come as easy and things start to slide down hill.

These past two weeks have been a struggle. I didn't realize how high my level of functioning had been and now that it is remaining a little lower than it was, I am amazed at how I was flying though life and how much I was accomplishing. I am frustrated that it hasn't returned fully. I don't want it to affect the hottie. I don't want it to affect my sobriety. I don't want it to affect my schooling.

i am supposed to be applying to KU very soon. There is an unfinished application to study in Costa Rica this summer on my table. I am not happy with my job. You can barely call it a job as I struggle constantly to even get 5 shifts a week. I am unmotivated to send out another round of resumes. I sent over 100 out to KU and places around town. I got 1 call and by the time I was back from vacation, they were not returning my calls. All my classes are crammed into 2 really hard long days this semester. I like them fine and am engaged when I am at school. Not loving my teachers as much as last semester and not loving college teachers in general as much as high school teachers. But my grades are fine at the moment. I fear that once things start becoming difficult to do, that I won't persevere. I feel barely motivated to get done what I need to get done for this very moment in life and fearful that my motivation and level of functioning might be gone for a while. I'm lost.

Thank god that my mood in general is fine. I mean I don't feel sad or like drinking or anything, but I just don't feel like conquering the world these past 2 or 3 weeks now and that really really scares me because I think I might need that level of motivation to get done what every other "normal" person on earth gets done. I have to work harder to get the same results as many and I haven't felt like running faster to keep up for a minute now.

It does feel good to get some of this out. I hope I didn't scare anyone. Especially one. And if you actually read this far, let me know what you think. Yes, I am going to therapy and meetings. I exercise. I eat decent. I need to more, but I pray. I am madly in love. I do ok day to day. But I wonder if I am not living up to my theme song, Alicia Keys, This Girl in on Fire.