I have been given some amazing opportunities to observe without judgment lately. Like some amazing amazing opportunities. It is as if once I opened myself up to the idea of experience without judgement, god has sent me numerous opportunities to observe and be a part of people's lives that I would never judge. Then all I had to do was get myself out of the way, watch, and hang on.
The issue that I have been attempting to work on is judging people's actions and appearances. For example, it is ridiculously easy for me to judge someone for even leaving the house in their pajama pants, yet alone going about their day in them. They must be poor, willing to take advantage of the system, incapable of time management, or at the very least, not care about how they are perceived. Yet I go about my day knowing and accepting how I look and feel that day and not giving a shit what others think. So who the hell am I?
I very seriously doubt that you would find half a dozen people willing to admit this, but I will literally judge someone for doing the exact same thing that I am doing. Except I will rationalize and reason to find the differences as to why my thoughts and actions are acceptable and the others are not. Yes, I know what it is called. Let us not name call. Let us work on ourselves and improve our lives. Let us admit that we have faults, recognize them, and fix them!
I have two amazing instances that I am dying to share about. So the hottie and I went to spend the weekend with her college friends. Let me start by saying that I DO NOT care about anyone's religion. But my observational opportunity here lies within a bunch of other catholics. Part of the amazing is that the hottie's friends are all catholic; hilarious and experiential in itself.
So she has one friend who goes to church when their son that they share custody with is with them but not usually when it's just the two of them. If I didn't know and already love them exactly the way they are, I would judge them!
Then another asked me how I could have eaten at a specific restaurant and find something w out meat that week. I causally said, oh I don't observe that part. And then when I asked her what did she give up for lent, she casually said, oh I don't really do that part. Instead of giving something up, I added something to draw me closer to god. More than one of my kindred catholics have said that that never occurred to them and that they thought it was an interesting idea. Let the judging begin!
And another instance where her devout friend usually goes to church every Sunday whether home or away but decided to skip this week in favor of sleep and good company. Her close friends noticed that she hadn't slept that late or that well in a long time when they were together. Looks her body was dictating and she listened wither consciously or unconsciously.
My point is that since knowing these friends of the hottie, they are friends of the hottie and I wouldn't dare or dream of judging a single one of them which allows me to just exist with-in. Each instance was its own instance to individual and I know that these women are living their lives to the best of their abilities.
Who the heck am I to judge an individual making choices with in an institutional framework? I have literally looked at an individual in my own church and mentally said, they only come to church during the lenten or advent seasons... Who cares?! Who am I?!
And now I have had an opportunity to visit california and stay with a friend that is a gift in herself. I am not supposed to be friends with this woman. I met her thru my ex partner. She was supposed to give up on me like many in her situation would have. My point: Her lack of judgement begets my lack of judgment and I get this amazing opportunity to come here for 7 days. (Let us all take a minute and think about all the loved ones in our lives that if we spent 7 days with we would kill...) Not only do I get to see life itself lived differently, (coast vs land) but I get to see how different people are and how cool people that aren't like me are! And it is within the framework of, I love this woman and I would never judge her or anyone in her life.
The associations of people that I love open my mind to those they love and shut down my judgment. The domino effect ensues and who is not a loved one of a loved one? So maybe the pajama pant lady at walmart or the advent/lent catholic is my own girlfriend or her childhood friend or the woman who has put up with someone thru all odds. Maybe, like myself, each person has a reason for becoming comfortable wearing pajama or sweatpants to their Saturday night gathering or shopping expedition. Maybe people do things with as much mindfulness and acceptance as I do. Maybe different is just different.
Stay tuned... god has me working on actions without expectation of results...
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Passed the first part.
Let the journey continue. How fun to just be along for the journey and not be invested in the results. If god wants me there, I will be there.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
this criminal was fingerprinted for a JOB interview
just a quick note and then i have got to get to studying. i had the most insane experience today. i interviewed with the department of public safety at KU for a museum or library security monitor position. it was intense to say the least. they emailed me a list of things i had to bring including a personal statement and release of information etc etc. i knew they were going to do a background check. the application document had all the usual stuff on it; job history, personal references etc. then there was a section asking not only if you had ever been convicted of a crime, but had you ever had contact with a law enforcement officer. this has been the only job at KU that has contacted me for work. i must have applied for 50 or more jobs up there. so i decided to go and i decided that it was possible that they would find out everything anyway, so i decided to jump in head first.
the first portion was questions in front of a panel of three KU police officers. they had some hard questions, none of which i can remember at this moment. things like "do i work well with others" and "what kind of worker do i consider myself," "give examples of when you had to work very early or very late," "greatest accomplishments at work," etc. then they asked me if i had ever been arrested or had contact with a law enforcement officer. i paused and said "yes" with this truthful admittance tone, like yes i have and i'm not ashamed of it either. it wasn't just a stupid drunken night that i regret. of course i regret the arrest, but it isn't this single embarrassing moment that i wish wasn't permanently on my record. i don't even know if it is on my record. i have completed my diversion and was never prosecuted. but i started to tell them about my 20's and what lead to the "contact with a law enforcement officer." i don't feel like i am telling it well here because it was so surreal. it was like i was talking about a different person. of course i remained light-hearted and used phrases like "mistakes that i made as a kid" instead of "trapped in the throws of addiction." i wasn't telling my story to a bunch of alcoholics i was telling a portion of my story to three police officers. i cannot believe how far away that all seems and how different i am now.
then i got fingerprinted and photographed! can't say i really even remember that from 2002. i was scared out of my mind and high back then! full fingerprinted. both hands. both thumbs. each finger separately and then all four together. i smiled for the photo, something my detective said doesn't happen very often. wonder why?
the next portion of the interview was with the same detective. he had my application out and another version that was empty next to it that he wrote on as he asked me questions. don't get me wrong. i didn't spill my guts about every little detail, but they were asking questions about my illegal drug use. he asked me how long i used each substance and with what frequency. it felt wonderful to not lie through the entire thing. ...wonderful. it felt so strange to tell him how many years i had used each illegal substance.
he never asked me about alcohol once because i had never been arrested on an alcohol related incident. it was the craziest thing. my biggest problem, the biggest fight of my life. the drug that sent me to the hospital three times, rehab twice, w an addiction spanning more than 10 years of my life that cost me a wife, members of her family, numerous cats, and most of my worldly possessions. a drug that caused me to feel not good enough for my own family. he didn't ask about it once because it's not an illegal substance. i quit everything else on my own. alcohol is the one that would have killed me. and you know what? i told him that. when he asked me if there was anything else i said, yes, as a matter of fact there is something else. and i told him that i was able to quit all of those other things on my own. i told him that alcohol was the one that was the most dangerous for me. and i told him how proud i am of my recovery and my sobriety. i told him i didn't want to be disqualified and dismissed because of a single event on paper. i literally told him that i was awesome and that i would be an excellent addition to KU no matter where i end up. i told him that was something i had to go through to get to where i am now, a 4.0 serious about life and school college student who is headed straight to the top. holy shit, it felt so great. it has been a hell of a week and i wanted to share that with my readers.
the first portion was questions in front of a panel of three KU police officers. they had some hard questions, none of which i can remember at this moment. things like "do i work well with others" and "what kind of worker do i consider myself," "give examples of when you had to work very early or very late," "greatest accomplishments at work," etc. then they asked me if i had ever been arrested or had contact with a law enforcement officer. i paused and said "yes" with this truthful admittance tone, like yes i have and i'm not ashamed of it either. it wasn't just a stupid drunken night that i regret. of course i regret the arrest, but it isn't this single embarrassing moment that i wish wasn't permanently on my record. i don't even know if it is on my record. i have completed my diversion and was never prosecuted. but i started to tell them about my 20's and what lead to the "contact with a law enforcement officer." i don't feel like i am telling it well here because it was so surreal. it was like i was talking about a different person. of course i remained light-hearted and used phrases like "mistakes that i made as a kid" instead of "trapped in the throws of addiction." i wasn't telling my story to a bunch of alcoholics i was telling a portion of my story to three police officers. i cannot believe how far away that all seems and how different i am now.
then i got fingerprinted and photographed! can't say i really even remember that from 2002. i was scared out of my mind and high back then! full fingerprinted. both hands. both thumbs. each finger separately and then all four together. i smiled for the photo, something my detective said doesn't happen very often. wonder why?
the next portion of the interview was with the same detective. he had my application out and another version that was empty next to it that he wrote on as he asked me questions. don't get me wrong. i didn't spill my guts about every little detail, but they were asking questions about my illegal drug use. he asked me how long i used each substance and with what frequency. it felt wonderful to not lie through the entire thing. ...wonderful. it felt so strange to tell him how many years i had used each illegal substance.
he never asked me about alcohol once because i had never been arrested on an alcohol related incident. it was the craziest thing. my biggest problem, the biggest fight of my life. the drug that sent me to the hospital three times, rehab twice, w an addiction spanning more than 10 years of my life that cost me a wife, members of her family, numerous cats, and most of my worldly possessions. a drug that caused me to feel not good enough for my own family. he didn't ask about it once because it's not an illegal substance. i quit everything else on my own. alcohol is the one that would have killed me. and you know what? i told him that. when he asked me if there was anything else i said, yes, as a matter of fact there is something else. and i told him that i was able to quit all of those other things on my own. i told him that alcohol was the one that was the most dangerous for me. and i told him how proud i am of my recovery and my sobriety. i told him i didn't want to be disqualified and dismissed because of a single event on paper. i literally told him that i was awesome and that i would be an excellent addition to KU no matter where i end up. i told him that was something i had to go through to get to where i am now, a 4.0 serious about life and school college student who is headed straight to the top. holy shit, it felt so great. it has been a hell of a week and i wanted to share that with my readers.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
all you need is love? nope, I need time and more time
Things have been hard again lately. Too hard and for too long. I have been growing lately and at god's pace too because I have been out of my comfort zone for at least three weeks. I have been blaming it on the female cycle as mine has been off, but when is it enough of that and what can be done?
As a tues/thurs student I missed two days of school due to snow. This is all fun and games until all four of your professors cover more material to catch up. Add the two snow days to it being the middle of the semester and spring break coming up and I am acutely aware that although this is my second sober semester, I have never ever been a full time student with a full schedule in spring semester. It is definitely different than fall semester. The weather is different, the days are different. My schedule is harder too. I have four classes where as I only had three last semester.
Spanish II is harder than Spanish I for sure, and I have no love for Western Civilization I am not a fan of two of my teachers which is odd and new for me as I adore teachers. World religion and intro to Psychology have both been great. I love school and I'm good at it. My problem, as always, has been balance and time.
Add applying to Ku. Add applying for scholarships and my... lets call it the KU intimidation factor. I rationally know that I am capable of success at KU, but I am a drug addict that has a tendency to mess up really really important things. I am not as patient as I would like to be. I have tendencies to throw my hands up and say, forget it! I delivered a pizza on campus yesterday and I was looking around telling myself that every student there looked so serious and successful. This is very very likely not the case. Lets all laugh at this together next year at this time.
Add therapy, plasma donation twice a week, and a wonderful home life and yes, I am busy. But how do I deal with it properly?
How do I tell myself that a C on one test is ok when I know that every other assignment has been high A's and that it will average out? How do I keep from going crazy when things get messy at home? How do I balance my love for order in a chaotic world? How do I not push all my expectations of myself and my environment on others? How do I stop trying to controlling my environment and my loved ones? How the hell do I exist in this world without judgement of self and others? How can I be easier on myself? How do I find a kinder softer me?
I started a time budget with actual numbers and it has made me feel better. It turns out that, with the care that I receive from the hottie- i.e. a roof over my head, my time is more important than any amount of money at this juncture in my life.
check out this quick rundown:
if I am awake from 6am to 10pm 7 days a week that is 16 hours x 7 days = 112 total awake hours.
14 in class
4 traveling to/from class
28 study hours (@ 2 per in class hour)
20 pizza place
10 recovery activities and church.
8 hottie time. tues/thurs 6-10
5 workout
3 plasma
1 therapy = 79 spoken for awake hours
this does not include things that I want to do for myself like blog, Friday night trivia, apply for scholarships, work on the house, plant things, and visit friends etc. And that is the stuff that keeps piling up...
And let me tell you, I am proud of myself. The getting up early thing is new and quite unbelievable. My mother would die! She is the one who had to drag my ass out of bed literally every morning in high school. It was no easy task. Poor blessed woman. She would die knowing that I get out of bed most mornings by 6 but quite often earlier. I got up at 3:20 this morning to study for my Spanish test. Typing this at 5:15 I have already reviewed the entire chapter.
So it has been nice to get this out on paper and see that I am not crazy, but simply ever searching for the balance. I am continually searching for actions with out expectations of results. That is a bit of a struggle at 3, 4, and 5 o'clock in the morning. Have a great day y'all.
As a tues/thurs student I missed two days of school due to snow. This is all fun and games until all four of your professors cover more material to catch up. Add the two snow days to it being the middle of the semester and spring break coming up and I am acutely aware that although this is my second sober semester, I have never ever been a full time student with a full schedule in spring semester. It is definitely different than fall semester. The weather is different, the days are different. My schedule is harder too. I have four classes where as I only had three last semester.
Spanish II is harder than Spanish I for sure, and I have no love for Western Civilization I am not a fan of two of my teachers which is odd and new for me as I adore teachers. World religion and intro to Psychology have both been great. I love school and I'm good at it. My problem, as always, has been balance and time.
Add applying to Ku. Add applying for scholarships and my... lets call it the KU intimidation factor. I rationally know that I am capable of success at KU, but I am a drug addict that has a tendency to mess up really really important things. I am not as patient as I would like to be. I have tendencies to throw my hands up and say, forget it! I delivered a pizza on campus yesterday and I was looking around telling myself that every student there looked so serious and successful. This is very very likely not the case. Lets all laugh at this together next year at this time.
Add therapy, plasma donation twice a week, and a wonderful home life and yes, I am busy. But how do I deal with it properly?
How do I tell myself that a C on one test is ok when I know that every other assignment has been high A's and that it will average out? How do I keep from going crazy when things get messy at home? How do I balance my love for order in a chaotic world? How do I not push all my expectations of myself and my environment on others? How do I stop trying to controlling my environment and my loved ones? How the hell do I exist in this world without judgement of self and others? How can I be easier on myself? How do I find a kinder softer me?
I started a time budget with actual numbers and it has made me feel better. It turns out that, with the care that I receive from the hottie- i.e. a roof over my head, my time is more important than any amount of money at this juncture in my life.
check out this quick rundown:
if I am awake from 6am to 10pm 7 days a week that is 16 hours x 7 days = 112 total awake hours.
14 in class
4 traveling to/from class
28 study hours (@ 2 per in class hour)
20 pizza place
10 recovery activities and church.
8 hottie time. tues/thurs 6-10
5 workout
3 plasma
1 therapy = 79 spoken for awake hours
this does not include things that I want to do for myself like blog, Friday night trivia, apply for scholarships, work on the house, plant things, and visit friends etc. And that is the stuff that keeps piling up...
And let me tell you, I am proud of myself. The getting up early thing is new and quite unbelievable. My mother would die! She is the one who had to drag my ass out of bed literally every morning in high school. It was no easy task. Poor blessed woman. She would die knowing that I get out of bed most mornings by 6 but quite often earlier. I got up at 3:20 this morning to study for my Spanish test. Typing this at 5:15 I have already reviewed the entire chapter.
So it has been nice to get this out on paper and see that I am not crazy, but simply ever searching for the balance. I am continually searching for actions with out expectations of results. That is a bit of a struggle at 3, 4, and 5 o'clock in the morning. Have a great day y'all.
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