Things have been hard again lately. Too hard and for too long. I have been growing lately and at god's pace too because I have been out of my comfort zone for at least three weeks. I have been blaming it on the female cycle as mine has been off, but when is it enough of that and what can be done?
As a tues/thurs student I missed two days of school due to snow. This is all fun and games until all four of your professors cover more material to catch up. Add the two snow days to it being the middle of the semester and spring break coming up and I am acutely aware that although this is my second sober semester, I have never ever been a full time student with a full schedule in spring semester. It is definitely different than fall semester. The weather is different, the days are different. My schedule is harder too. I have four classes where as I only had three last semester.
Spanish II is harder than Spanish I for sure, and I have no love for Western Civilization I am not a fan of two of my teachers which is odd and new for me as I adore teachers. World religion and intro to Psychology have both been great. I love school and I'm good at it. My problem, as always, has been balance and time.
Add applying to Ku. Add applying for scholarships and my... lets call it the KU intimidation factor. I rationally know that I am capable of success at KU, but I am a drug addict that has a tendency to mess up really really important things. I am not as patient as I would like to be. I have tendencies to throw my hands up and say, forget it! I delivered a pizza on campus yesterday and I was looking around telling myself that every student there looked so serious and successful. This is very very likely not the case. Lets all laugh at this together next year at this time.
Add therapy, plasma donation twice a week, and a wonderful home life and yes, I am busy. But how do I deal with it properly?
How do I tell myself that a C on one test is ok when I know that every other assignment has been high A's and that it will average out? How do I keep from going crazy when things get messy at home? How do I balance my love for order in a chaotic world? How do I not push all my expectations of myself and my environment on others? How do I stop trying to controlling my environment and my loved ones? How the hell do I exist in this world without judgement of self and others? How can I be easier on myself? How do I find a kinder softer me?
I started a time budget with actual numbers and it has made me feel better. It turns out that, with the care that I receive from the hottie- i.e. a roof over my head, my time is more important than any amount of money at this juncture in my life.
check out this quick rundown:
if I am awake from 6am to 10pm 7 days a week that is 16 hours x 7 days = 112 total awake hours.
14 in class
4 traveling to/from class
28 study hours (@ 2 per in class hour)
20 pizza place
10 recovery activities and church.
8 hottie time. tues/thurs 6-10
5 workout
3 plasma
1 therapy = 79 spoken for awake hours
this does not include things that I want to do for myself like blog, Friday night trivia, apply for scholarships, work on the house, plant things, and visit friends etc. And that is the stuff that keeps piling up...
And let me tell you, I am proud of myself. The getting up early thing is new and quite unbelievable. My mother would die! She is the one who had to drag my ass out of bed literally every morning in high school. It was no easy task. Poor blessed woman. She would die knowing that I get out of bed most mornings by 6 but quite often earlier. I got up at 3:20 this morning to study for my Spanish test. Typing this at 5:15 I have already reviewed the entire chapter.
So it has been nice to get this out on paper and see that I am not crazy, but simply ever searching for the balance. I am continually searching for actions with out expectations of results. That is a bit of a struggle at 3, 4, and 5 o'clock in the morning. Have a great day y'all.
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