My skin gods brought me back to god

The first thing I want to say is don't think this happened overnight. It took me almost two weeks to post about the struggles I was having in my last post. The second thing I want to say is that I think that if there are 1000 problems then there must be 2001 answers. And I found a few today.

One was validation. Maybe it was summing up everything that has happened in the last month to a friend that hasn't been going through it on a day to day basis with me. Maybe I needed that one person to say that any one of my troubles could be hard to deal with, but put them all together and it's no wonder things feel gummed up. There are five women in my entire life that could do what she did today and each one of them is just as capable of kicking my ass as soothing it. I call them my skin gods.

I forgot about expectations and self critique. I took a step back and a deep breath. I forgot to tell myself how to be and just was.

Since January 15th I have...

Started my second sober semester with five instead of four classes on a tues/thurs 11 hour day. I had some concerns about this, but wanted to test my limits.

Traveled out of the country for the very first time to two countries that I didn't know too much about and again, had some concerns but took the chance for this adventure with 100% faith in my beloved. I loved it and have zero regrets.

However, I can home without her and was on my own for almost a week. The weather there was tropical and that was not the case here. I returned after having missed two sessions of each of my classes. Again, something I will never regret, but would probably not do again.

After a few more sessions of class I realized that I am not fond of two out of four of my teachers. (my last class is gym, no teacher) I don't think I have ever had a semester of any kind of school ever where I didn't like a teacher, let alone two. And there was really not ever a moment in my first sober semester where I was that far behind. I am still finding my groove.

And then there is work. I am having to compete with others to get hours which includes jumping through hoops and doing tricks instead of my actual job. I am a little terrified of money at the moment because I have some from school funds. My ability to contribute to the purple couch household is a valid concern. So I have worked up a resume, sent it to a trusted friend for editing, revised it, and sent it out all over town. I have received little response. That search continues.

Things are great with the hottie but this also means pretty serious and with that comes concern. With that for me comes self pressure to be on top of things and stay healthy.

Application time for KU and Costa Rica are headed down the pike.

I hadn't put all of this together until I sat and spoke with my friend. I hadn't mapped it out. I hadn't looked at a timeline. Another small conversation lead to the actual hours of in class time plus the hours of expected study time totaling out at about 42 for school. 14 hours in class per week and if you study two hours for every hour you are in class then you would be studying 28 hours per week. Add me wanting to work 20 hours a week and we have a full full schedule, people.

Where is god in all this? I haven't been to church in at least two weeks, maybe three. I wouldn't ever give up my study time or my recovery time, why my god time? I have been distant for weeks and hadn't even noticed it!

I just hadn't put this all down in black and white. It all feels pretty validating. Maybe I am not a sad, crazy, lost person, but someone who has come a long long way from not being able to make it past 10 am without a shot of vodka. If god is within us and I haven't spoken to god, no wonder I have lost touch with myself. If everything happens through and with god, then no wonder things have been so hard to get done. I took the driver's seat back. Time to ride shotgun again.