Change the way you feel without running

I found myself getting grumpy that I had to work both jobs today. I am getting a little tired of the roller coaster of emotions that this trip to Costa Rica has brought on. Reality check: I'm upset that I have to work both jobs? I'm tired of the roller coaster of emotions about a trip to Costa Rica? What? And then the 2 X 4 of whoa... I want to change the way I feel?

Tomorrow is my birthday and we could have a pretty gnarly situation on our hands if I don't change my perspective real quick. Gratitude list!!!

I have two jobs.
I have a hilarious god.
I have an awesome girlfriend who gets to come to Costa Rica with me.
I get to go to Costa Rica.
I get to feel all these crazy emotions today.
I have outlets for all my chatter.
I have hobbies.
I love my family.
I have amazing role models and I adore them all.
I have amazing friends old and new that keep me on my toes and call me on my shit.
I live in my dream town and am heading to my dream college.
I love my little scoot.
I have peace of mind or people to talk to when I don't.
I have an awesome cat.
I love my church. It's alternative enough for even me.
I am inquisitive.
I take direction.
I listen.
I reach out.
I keep getting better.
I can recognize my mistakes.
I love learning.
omg, I can't believe this is way down here, but it's when I thought of it... I'M SOBER!

Better stop there and get back to work. Let me add that there are times when I can blog at work. Let me try and show my gratitude for my life the rest of the day with a smile, a hug, or kind words.

When you stop and take time...

I was sitting around with a couple of friends today talking about where we each bank. Not even sure how it came up but it was an amazing reminder of how far I have come. I think it helps to remember how far down I had to dig before I was able to start digging out. It makes me more grateful.

My friends each said what bank they banked at and one of them had a story about why she banked where she did. It reminded me of when I first moved to Lawrence. I bank where I do because we have a little bit of history. I had banked with them in Manhattan when I lived there. When I got to Lawrence, I didn't have a car. I didn't have a bank. I didn't have any money or a job. My grandmother had sent me a $20 check for my birthday. I didn't know anywhere that would cash a personal check. I called a few banks and they all required $50 to start a checking account. I sat there starting at this check and called the bank that I had banked with in Manhattan. I told them that I had banked there before and all the money I had in the world was in this $20 check from my grandma. They looked me up in the system and amazingly enough, I didn't owe them any money and had left on good terms. Whaaaaaat?! So they sent me to the local branch to open a bank account with $20 dollars.

Here is the amazing part of the story. When I made that call I was sitting in the grass on KU's campus taking a break from riding my bike from point A to point B. I was probably out job hunting. I was still in housed outpatient rehab. I distinctly remember telling myself, I am going to go to college here one of these days. I start in the fall.

I am so grateful I took the time to stop and think about where I was at that moment with that $20 check in my hand and where I wanted to see myself in the future. I can look back and see that even though there isn't much more in that bank these days, I have a job, I have transportation, and I will be a Jayhawk next fall. And when I am, I pray that I stop and take some time...

If my brain can't kill me, it'll will settle for terrorizing me

First of all, thank you for the reminder to blog. I could have been in danger of getting wrapped up in my stuff and forgetting today.

Second, it appears that I need to start having someone over for dinner about once a week or every other week because I started noticing some things that just sit around and the house really needed some tidying up. I guess it says good things about mine and the hottie's comfort level? Or maybe we are too relaxed around each other already. Who knows.

Now to the blogging. I really wish that I could say that I am having my friend come over and that nipped this thing in the bud so I was off and running without a care in the world today. This has not been the case. My disease realized that I very well might not drink today and so it sent my own brain to kill me today. I felt unworthy of my own sobriety, and uncomfortable in my own skin. Actually, it started last night the second I posted the blog. My mouth wanted to run away and control my world. My stomach was tied in a knot. But god stepped in and I was able to just be.

Still, I wasn't prepared for today. I was in a foul mood. With a little less experience or determination, I would have quit my job today, or unloaded on a coworker, or broken some faulty equipment. I know that I would have broken a watering nozzle if I would have been watering at home. I tried to pick a fight with a friend. I warned her about my mood and that I probably just wanted to fight, which I did. I know god was with me all day though because he had me choose to fight with someone I respect too much to really go after. And he kept me level headed enough to email someone I knew would answer with solid words that I wouldn't be able to eye roll away. The little shit was tearing me up and I cried once, I didn't give into anything major.

I felt like I was being punished for giving in to the drink the last time the hottie went out of town. The truth is probably more likely that I created some memory dendrites or whatever they are called and a simple chemical reaction in my brain was triggered. Every time you fight through the urge to drink, you create new memory whatever-they-are-called. And when you don't, the old rumination comes back. The old memory cells run a muck.

There is a ton I can be grateful for today. I didn't quit my job or yell at the kid who interrupted my work. With the help of others, I worked through the rumination. I am so grateful that we sing the Our Father in church. I sang it like 10 times today. I was honest with the hottie about my fears and feelings. I can tell you that my number one joy is that I am going to beat this disease today. Thank god too because I have a hog roast and a pot luck on Saturday and Sunday that I do not wanna miss.

Final note: Day 4 of blogging every day and it was easier to sit down and do it today once I was reminded. The second and even the third days, I wasn't sure I had much to say. Be blessed.

Finding a sitter for myself

I have drank about every three months since August of last year. I almost had a year and a half of continuous sobriety and then once I drank I have only gotten a few months at a time I consider this wildly successful and my life continues to improve. That being said, I don't want to continue this pattern. So far, the hottie and I have tracked my drinking to accountability. When we are apart over night or for an extended period of time, I drink. I am not putting this on her. I knew when I really started working on this sobriety thing, that I would need accountability. It was a weakness that I thought I had conquered. A huge part of my drinking was done alone. I didn't have to face what I was doing as much when I was alone. I have come soooooo far in that regard because even when I drink alone now, I hate it. I can't look myself in the mirror and I am scared to talk to anyone because y'all know me well. I have been busted twice on drinking by mere text alone! The difference is that I love myself now way more than I ever have. 

And so? The hottie is going out of town tomorrow night for a wedding. The last few times this has happened I have wanted her to go and have a good time. I didn't want her to worry about me so I thought I better stay home or leave early etc. And then as soon as we were apart, my alcoholic brain took the drivers seat and I raced to the liquor store. There are three things an alcoholic says when they want to drink: 1. It will be different this time. 2. I can get away with it. 3. Fuck it anyway. I am a 2 girl all day. This time, the hottie and I wanted things to be different. I have always quit drinking after a day or two, but the mental stress and impact on our relationship has generally lasted longer than the actual drinking. So until I am strong enough to handle being alone over night and not accountable I have decided it get myself a sitter when she goes out of town. And this requires me to ask for help. As open and outgoing of a person as I am, it is still hard for me to ask for help when I really really need it. It is hard to ask for help when I know I have to have it. 

So I am having a friend coming over tomorrow and she is bringing her puppy! We are going to play tennis and watch movies. My alcoholic brain has stirred knowing that the hottie is going out of town, but the friend coming over has squashed it really quickly. It's really cool getting to know myself... still. There are probably others that are way stronger than this and could just continue doing what they always do when their significant goes out of town for the night, but I am not there yet. So I am grateful to cut this drink off at the pass and successfully tell my alcoholic brain to shut the fuck up!

I am super grateful to have friends that are willing to help. I am beyond blessed to have the hottie in my life who is willing to work with me and help me take these steps. We thought of and worked out this solution together. I think that is pretty cool. Now she can go and enjoy herself without worrying about me I hope. 

I don't have control, but I'll probably drive myself mad chasing it.

There is a lot of stuff on my mind. I am planning a trip to Costa Rica with one of the most amazing people I have ever known in my life! This semester was mostly a success. It was a success in relation to how many times I tried to sabotage myself and possibly setting my goals too high. But what is too high? I am smart, but I am relate-able smart, not genius smart. I'm pretty sure that this gives me just enough room to hang myself. So fine, the semester was a success.

I am planning to go to KU next fall. I missed the gun just enough in the application process that I did not get scheduled for orientation until 21 August and you can't enroll until you go through orientation. I have a defining schedule picked out if I can get the classes I want. I will know pretty quickly if I would like to continue on into accounting or start the search over yet again. Apparently I am destined to learn the same lesson over and over in that I cannot control everything even when it directly involves me. And what faith will I need to have to get through the summer not knowing what next semester brings until after 21 August. I haven't even looked up when classes start. God saves me from things like that quite often. He reveals bits and pieces to me so I don't freak out.

And speaking of freaking out, guess who is finally moving in with the hottie?! Are you ready for this background? In July of 2009, my previous long-term partner decided she had had enough of my alcoholism. No one blames her. I was and, at times, still am a mess. My best friend decided with his wife in a manner of 7 minutes that I would come live with them after drug and alcohol addiction had taken my wife, my apartment, my car, my cats, my life as I was barely conscious enough to know it. So I moved back to Manhappenin' Kansas. I stayed with him and his family for as long as I could stay sober at the time. I got a job and got my wits about me a little. I was unable to maintain sobriety and got my own place at his request to save our friendship. This is an ugly disease. We knew it was best for me to move and it worked. I got a place with a pizza delivery friend. This disaster was colossal and I am grateful that I made it out of this situation alive. The day I can share the details with anyone would definitively be a blogging day. We got things like a couch and cats to make it seem like a home. But it was never a home.

Insert my first rehab. And after I went right back to where I had left and picked right back up where I had left off, like so very many drug addicts and alcoholics do. It's very common. I picked the shovel back up and started digging again. Insert rehab number two. 28 February 2011. This time I listened. I did exactly as I was told to the letter. This led me to extendo-rehab with 30 other women in Lawrence, and on to a three-quarter sober living home called an Oxford house. Thems is fancy words for 6 girls living in a sober house with a bit more structure than your average roommate situation. Their house, their rules. I stayed there for eight months and then moved in with a wonderful friend that I had met here in Lawrence for another eight months. She was kind and we needed each other at the exact same time. Her house, her rules.

I met the hottie when I lived in the Oxford house. But we didn't really start getting to know each other until I was living with my friend. At this point I had been living or existing with in someone else's space since July of 2009. I was worn out, but still living a much better life than I had dreamed since mostly what I knew was "where is my next bottle coming from and when can I start drinking it?" The hottie had surgery in September of 2012. I packed a bag to stay with her and help her recover and I never left. This seemingly was just a fairy tale. But I am still a mess, so one day when she was at work after I had been staying with her for a while, I got fed up that I was still paying $300+ in rent to a place that I never even saw and moved my little crop of stuff into storage essentially taking away her decision to send me home or take a few days apart. I did it with the intention that I would look for another place on my own. I wanted a place that was mine. I was so tired of living with everyone else's rules. I am ridiculously grateful for each and every opportunity to have lived where I have lived, but I was done. I was an still am crazy about the hottie, but it was unfair of me to take that choice away from her. At 33 years old, I am still very very new at compromise and cooperation.

So now we are ready to move my stuff into her house out of storage, right? Nope. We are so very different. She likes stuff. I loath it. And we are running smack dab into what I am sure so many adults who mesh two adult lives together have run into. She has made so many compromises. She is not an alcoholic  but we live in a sober home. Her home. She has made progress on making space for me. She tries really hard. But I am still a mess and have not had a home since 2009. I don't think that I am responding to all of this very well. There is finally a deadline that comes with financial incentive and visiting family as relaxation incentive. And I LOVE THIS GIRL. But I am really really tired of living in other people's space. Really tired.

I am so hard on myself. How will she ever have a chance? I am a lot easier on others than myself. It's very easy for me to say, "that's fine for you." I am hitting a brick wall with these issues being outside of myself, but too close to be understanding and tolerant. It all comes back to control. I want neat and tidy. I want control over my life! And since I am learning this for the millionth time for the first time, I am struggling with the fact that I don't have control over anything, even the stuff that directly involves and is tangent to me.

I know what some of my kindreds will say. High class problems. I have someone who loves me and wants to share a life with me. This is all I have ever wanted in my life: a strong independent woman who will take care of me. But I am so strong and so stubborn that I wouldn't even know her if she was screaming in my ear. And I would probably tell her that she was taking care of me wrong. I have no control over people places and things. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

relapse as a part of recovery

They tell you in rehab that relapse is part of recovery. They tell you not to be too hard on yourself if it happens. Just get up and keep trying, they say. So many people don't make it back to the sober side once they relapse because they are scared, or ashamed. I can tell you that this is so. Relapse has been a part of my recovery. Like a few things in my life I have had the privilege of experiencing this genuinely as an individual outside of the "norm" of society.

For instance: when I was growing up and hitting 5th and 6th grades, I started noticing girls. I started noticing girls that way that all the girls I hung out with were noticing boys. All of a sudden there was more feeling to staying over at a friends house and playing with her hair while we watched a movie the way I had done a dozen other times. I knew that I was not in the majority, but I never felt wrong or even different. I just wasn't in the majority. Lemme tell you something; I was raised in Manhattan, Kansas as a jayhawk fan by two KU graduates. Do you think that being in the majority was something that I had to have to exist and be me? Hells no!

See no one wants you to relapse, of course, but no one tells you that there is this stigma that goes with it. It means that you aren't getting something that you are supposed to be getting or that you still think you have control over things you have no control over. Your friends and family ask, "oh, what happened this time?" "You were doing so good." The feeling I have gotten is that there should be some sort of self flagellation and when there isn't a proper amount of shame and remorse for obvious failure, you are certain to drink again.

So I find myself outside of the "norm" again. Obviously I am not thrilled about relapsing. Yes, I still consider it a relapse or I wouldn't call it that. But, guess what? I am still a successful non-drinker. In the past two years I have drank less that a dozen days. I continue to grow and accept this daily progressive disease. This has jacked up my continuous sobriety, but my life has changed beyond my wildest dreams; I have dreams now! I continue to expand my world. I am becoming softer and learning how to love. I have AMAZING people in my life. I can call anyone in my family at any moment! I am able to listen to people today and not run my own world but I trust myself to know that if I try my best, things will work out the way god wants, not the way I want. I trust god more than I ever have and have quit trying to put him in a box. I seek balance; I am open to direction. I trust my skin gods more than I ever have.

I have two weeks of continuous sobriety today. I fell on my face a long two weeks ago, but I got back up and I continue to recover, like I am going to continue to recover tomorrow and tomorrow. Relapse is hard on me and those close to me; I know that. I do not intend to continue to relapse. I see myself having long term sobriety as I get older. I'm just not there yet. Who knows? Maybe this was the last one. Relapse humbles me like nothing else. I pray to find a way to stay humble without having to drink. I adore sobriety and I have no dreams for myself that do not include sobriety. I am not proud of it, but I am not ashamed of it either. It kills me how much it hurts those closest to me so I will continue to seek balance.

trusting what i know about myself?

i miss blogging! i have been so busy that i have not had the time to even begin a post. the idea list keeps getting longer and longer. i have so much to share! but alas, wrist to forehead, i am so blessed that i have school, a job, a wonderful hottie, a family, and friends to share my life with that i have not had a spare hour in some time. the funny part is that i am surprised that i miss writing so much. i don't do it often (as often as i would like i guess) and i haven't been doing this particular blog long. a this point, those of you who know me well are shaking your heads. i know at least two teachers reading this and probably my mother that are all smiling and saying, "really, holly? didn't know you would miss it?" they are all collectively thinking about how much energy they have put into encouraging me to write and write. my mother has repeatedly mentioned a book. don't worry, mommie, your name when be on the inside cover when, and i do mean when not if, it is finished.

here is the interesting part: i still don't even know what i know about myself. i don't know me. and what i think i know, i still don't trust. pretty sure this will get a chuckle from god himself. what i am is eternally grateful for is the genuine experience to continue to learn about myself with a clear head and willingness to take the adventure. and that's exactly what it is. every day is an adventure as i get better at school, move forward in life, and live the balance that i seek.

i have so much that i want to share through this particular medium. there is big news, people. most of you know that i have been accepted to KU. it literally brings me to tears when i think about my dad putting on his KU dad shirt that i got him for Christmas  five kids and i get to be the first and possibly only one that attends his and mom's alma mater. there is more to share, but i have so much homework to do that i already feel guilty for this little post. but stay tuned. life is getting really exciting here in lovely lawrence, kansas.

to just exist within

I have been given some amazing opportunities to observe without judgment lately. Like some amazing amazing opportunities. It is as if once I opened myself up to the idea of experience without judgement, god has sent me numerous opportunities to observe and be a part of people's lives that I would never judge. Then all I had to do was get myself out of the way, watch, and hang on.

The issue that I have been attempting to work on is judging people's actions and appearances. For example, it is ridiculously easy for me to judge someone for even leaving the house in their pajama pants, yet alone going about their day in them. They must be poor, willing to take advantage of the system, incapable of time management, or at the very least, not care about how they are perceived. Yet I go about my day knowing and accepting how I look and feel that day and not giving a shit what others think. So who the hell am I?

I very seriously doubt that you would find half a dozen people willing to admit this, but I will literally judge someone for doing the exact same thing that I am doing. Except I will rationalize and reason to find the differences as to why my thoughts and actions are acceptable and the others are not. Yes, I know what it is called. Let us not name call. Let us work on ourselves and improve our lives. Let us admit that we have faults, recognize them, and fix them!

I have two amazing instances that I am dying to share about. So the hottie and I went to spend the weekend with her college friends. Let me start by saying that I DO NOT care about anyone's religion. But my observational opportunity here lies within a bunch of other catholics. Part of the amazing is that the hottie's friends are all catholic; hilarious and experiential in itself.

So she has one friend who goes to church when their son that they share custody with is with them but not usually when it's just the two of them. If I didn't know and already love them exactly the way they are, I would judge them!

Then another asked me how I could have eaten at a specific restaurant and find something w out meat that week. I causally said, oh I don't observe that part. And then when I asked her what did she give up for lent, she casually said, oh I don't really do that part. Instead of giving something up, I added something to draw me closer to god. More than one of my kindred catholics have said that that never occurred to them and that they thought it was an interesting idea. Let the judging begin!

And another instance where her devout friend usually goes to church every Sunday whether home or away but decided to skip this week in favor of sleep and good company. Her close friends noticed that she hadn't slept that late or that well in a long time when they were together. Looks her body was dictating and she listened wither consciously or unconsciously.

My point is that since knowing these friends of the hottie, they are friends of the hottie and I wouldn't dare or dream of judging a single one of them which allows me to just exist with-in. Each instance was its own instance to individual and I know that these women are living their lives to the best of their abilities.

Who the heck am I to judge an individual making choices with in an institutional framework? I have literally looked at an individual in my own church and mentally said, they only come to church during the lenten or advent seasons... Who cares?! Who am I?!

And now I have had an opportunity to visit california and stay with a friend that is a gift in herself. I am not supposed to be friends with this woman. I met her thru my ex partner. She was supposed to give up on me like many in her situation would have. My point: Her lack of judgement begets my lack of judgment and I get this amazing opportunity to come here for 7 days. (Let us all take a minute and think about all the loved ones in our lives that if we spent 7 days with we would kill...) Not only do I get to see life itself lived differently, (coast vs land) but I get to see how different people are and how cool people that aren't like me are! And it is within the framework of, I love this woman and I would never judge her or anyone in her life.

The associations of people that I love open my mind to those they love and shut down my judgment. The domino effect ensues and who is not a loved one of a loved one? So maybe the pajama pant lady at walmart or the advent/lent catholic is my own girlfriend or her childhood friend or the woman who has put up with someone thru all odds. Maybe, like myself, each person has a reason for becoming comfortable wearing pajama or sweatpants to their Saturday night gathering or shopping expedition. Maybe people do things with as much mindfulness and acceptance as I do. Maybe different is just different.

Stay tuned... god has me working on actions without expectation of results...

Passed the first part.

Let the journey continue. How fun to just be along for the journey and not be invested in the results. If god wants me there, I will be there.

this criminal was fingerprinted for a JOB interview

just a quick note and then i have got to get to studying. i had the most insane experience today. i interviewed with the department of public safety at KU for a museum or library security monitor position. it was intense to say the least. they emailed me a list of things i had to bring including a personal statement and release of information etc etc. i knew they were going to do a background check. the application document had all the usual stuff on it; job history, personal references  etc. then there was a section asking not only if you had ever been convicted of a crime, but had you ever had contact with a law enforcement officer. this has been the only job at KU that has contacted me for work. i must have applied for 50 or more jobs up there. so i decided to go and i decided that it was possible that they would find out everything anyway, so i decided to jump in head first.

the first portion was questions in front of a panel of three KU police officers. they had some hard questions, none of which i can remember at this moment. things like "do i work well with others" and "what kind of worker do i consider myself," "give examples of when you had to work very early or very late," "greatest accomplishments at work," etc. then they asked me if i had ever been arrested or had contact with a law enforcement officer. i paused and said "yes" with this truthful admittance tone, like yes i have and i'm not ashamed of it either. it wasn't just a stupid drunken night that i regret. of course i regret the arrest, but it isn't this single embarrassing moment that i wish wasn't permanently on my record. i don't even know if it is on my record. i have completed my diversion and was never prosecuted. but i started to tell them about my 20's and what lead to the "contact with a law enforcement officer." i don't feel like i am telling it well here because it was so surreal. it was like i was talking about a different person. of course i remained light-hearted and used phrases like "mistakes that i made as a kid" instead of "trapped in the throws of addiction." i wasn't telling my story to a bunch of alcoholics  i was telling a portion of my story to three police officers. i cannot believe how far away that all seems and how different i am now.

then i got fingerprinted and photographed! can't say i really even remember that from 2002. i was scared out of my mind and high back then! full fingerprinted. both hands. both thumbs. each finger separately and then all four together. i smiled for the photo, something my detective said doesn't happen very often. wonder why?

the next portion of the interview was with the same detective. he had my application out and another version that was empty next to it that he wrote on as he asked me questions. don't get me wrong. i didn't spill my guts about every little detail, but they were asking questions about my illegal drug use. he asked me how long i used each substance and with what frequency. it felt wonderful to not lie through the entire thing. ...wonderful. it felt so strange to tell him how many years i had used each illegal substance.

he never asked me about alcohol once because i had never been arrested on an alcohol related incident. it was the craziest thing. my biggest problem, the biggest fight of my life. the drug that sent me to the hospital three times, rehab twice, w an addiction spanning more than 10 years of my life that cost me a wife, members of her family, numerous cats, and most of my worldly possessions. a drug that caused me to feel not good enough for my own family. he didn't ask about it once because it's not an illegal substance. i quit everything else on my own. alcohol is the one that would have killed me. and you know what? i told him that. when he asked me if there was anything else i said, yes, as a matter of fact there is something else. and i told him that i was able to quit all of those other things on my own. i told him that alcohol was the one that was the most dangerous for me. and i told him how proud i am of my recovery and my sobriety. i told him i didn't want to be disqualified and dismissed because of a single event on paper. i literally told him that i was awesome and that i would be an excellent addition to KU no matter where i end up. i told him that was something i had to go through to get to where i am now, a 4.0 serious about life and school college student who is headed straight to the top. holy shit, it felt so great. it has been a hell of a week and i wanted to share that with my readers.

all you need is love? nope, I need time and more time

Things have been hard again lately. Too hard and for too long. I have been growing lately and at god's pace too because I have been out of my comfort zone for at least three weeks. I have been blaming it on the female cycle as mine has been off, but when is it enough of that and what can be done?

As a tues/thurs student I missed two days of school due to snow. This is all fun and games until all four of your professors cover more material to catch up. Add the two snow days to it being the middle of the semester and spring break coming up and I am acutely aware that although this is my second sober semester, I have never ever been a full time student with a full schedule in spring semester. It is definitely different than fall semester. The weather is different, the days are different. My schedule is harder too. I have four classes where as I only had three last semester.

Spanish II is harder than Spanish I for sure, and I have no love for Western Civilization  I am not a fan of two of my teachers which is odd and new for me as I adore teachers. World religion and intro to Psychology have both been great. I love school and I'm good at it. My problem, as always, has been balance and time.

Add applying to Ku. Add applying for scholarships and my... lets call it the KU intimidation factor. I rationally know that I am capable of success at KU, but I am a drug addict that has a tendency to mess up really really important things. I am not as patient as I would like to be. I have tendencies to throw my hands up and say, forget it! I delivered a pizza on campus yesterday and I was looking around telling myself that every student there looked so serious and successful. This is very very likely not the case. Lets all laugh at this together next year at this time.

Add therapy, plasma donation twice a week, and a wonderful home life and yes, I am busy. But how do I deal with it properly?

How do I tell myself that a C on one test is ok when I know that every other assignment has been high A's and that it will average out? How do I keep from going crazy when things get messy at home? How do I balance my love for order in a chaotic world? How do I not push all my expectations of myself and my environment on others? How do I stop trying to controlling my environment and my loved ones? How the hell do I exist in this world without judgement of self and others? How can I be easier on myself? How do I find a kinder softer me?

I started a time budget with actual numbers and it has made me feel better. It turns out that, with the care that I receive from the hottie- i.e. a roof over my head, my time is more important than any amount of money at this juncture in my life.

check out this quick rundown:

if I am awake from 6am to 10pm 7 days a week that is 16 hours x 7 days = 112 total awake hours.
14 in class
4 traveling to/from class
28 study hours (@ 2 per in class hour)
20 pizza place
10 recovery activities and church.
8 hottie time. tues/thurs 6-10
5 workout
3 plasma
1 therapy = 79 spoken for awake hours

this does not include things that I want to do for myself like blog, Friday night trivia, apply for scholarships, work on the house, plant things, and visit friends etc. And that is the stuff that keeps piling up...

And let me tell you, I am proud of myself. The getting up early thing is new and quite unbelievable. My mother would die! She is the one who had to drag my ass out of bed literally every morning in high school. It was no easy task. Poor blessed woman. She would die knowing that I get out of bed most mornings by 6 but quite often earlier. I got up at 3:20 this morning to study for my Spanish test. Typing this at 5:15 I have already reviewed the entire chapter.

So it has been nice to get this out on paper and see that I am not crazy, but simply ever searching for the balance. I am continually searching for actions with out expectations of results. That is a bit of a struggle at 3, 4, and 5 o'clock in the morning. Have a great day y'all.

Will you read this if I just say things are going well?

I wonder if anyone will want to read this if I say things are going well. Well? Things are going well. I have found my grove in this semester. It has required a more efficient me. I get up at least once or twice a week at 4am to study. It's quiet. There are no rat dogs running about and barking at blowing leaves, the neighbor kid that has no clue how loud he talks is still sleeping, the birds are chipping, and the sun is rising. I love it. This is a far far cry from my past habits. It's a little baffling and yet, not so much. He does for me what I can't do for me. I know at least one or two of you reading just rolled your eyes. And now you are smiling cuz you know I am talking about you. Thank god for friends who love me just the way I am and visa versa, god talk and all.

So god has helped me up my study game. I have increased the intensity of my workouts and I do extra workouts at any given moment. I was staying in a hotel last night for an AA conference  wasn't even thinking about working out, and then passed a fitness center. I almost ditched my peeps for an hour to sweat a little. If they had had a bike, I would have. But I have upped the intensity of the workouts including harder resistance on the bike and longer rides. I would be kicking ass even more if I had more time in my day at school, but this is how I set things up for the semester. Just as last semester, I haven't lost a single pound, but ALL my jeans fit better in the thigh and waist area.

As a result of the working out, I have been craving better foods. I am still ridiculous about sugar. Ice cream before bed and a chocolate hershey's heart with my coffee. Really, Holly? But this is not the time to work on the sugar addiction. What I have done is add more veggies and fruit. I try to eat balanced but am most excited about the exercise  It's all biking now, but I would like to get back into running if I could actually loose some pounds. Again, all in good time. I don't want to demean my progress because I am really happy with it.

My Costa Rica application is almost complete, I applied to KU, my FAFSA is donzos. I started looking online for private scholarships  After working my ass off these last two sober semesters I missed the application deadline for transfer scholarships. Let the self flagellation begin! It was a renewable scholarship  Nothing happens in god's world by mistake? Ok, then i just need to keep taking the next step. Individual scholarship applications.

So I am not only getting my homework done regularly and confidently now, but it is at a level that I am happy with. I don't just do homework to check it off a list. I do it to learn the materiel. I think I am in a huge minority in this instance college kids. A kid in my Spanish class said he would be happy if he could just pull a 70% out of this class. There are times when I wish I could consider a thought process like that. My homework this semester is not hard, but it is long and tedious. Wax on, Wax off. Going through the motions.

Add that to a new part time job at Pyramid Pizza so that I can log on my 20 hours and get my food stamps reinstated. Add that to beginning the process of filling out one scholarship application after another. I think I have at least 25 on my list at the moment. Add that to a most rewarding grown up relationship with the hottie. Add that to my recovery and church family and functions. Life is good. Are you still reading?

I can't believe that I even made it a week without god. My lent commitments have stood. I am reading two daily reflection books every morning. One from AA, one from church. Looking back on things now, I see that coming back from El Salvador without the hottie was necessary to send me into the depression that was necessary to set me up right here right now. There is a long long way to go, but there has to be a basis of a relationship with god to start anything. I think there are huge changes to come in my relationship with him, but I am no longer scared of those changes. I am working to become the head of a household. A wife. A mother. A leader who leads by example. Holy what?! And that is not something I take for granted. It is not something I feel entitled to. Who is writing this?! I have huge entitlemet issues! It something I would like to interview for some day in a way that the interview will just be a formality because I know that I have already done the work to get the job. Whoa. That was deep. Gotta go. xx

Getting out of my own way

I knew this religion class would make me think. I am taking intro to world religions this semester and it lives up to its name. We study a list of about 25 vocab words per religion, spend 2 class times on it, read some readings, hear a lecture or two and then we are off to the next one. And of course I am fascinated by each and every one. I have always felt like my god was bigger than anything that I was able to conceptualize and always found it curious that there were so many different organized religions. I genuinely felt that god must be in all of them and why couldn't we just combine them? But I have never done the research. I mean, where do you start? The answer? Johnson County Community College. What an amazing opportunity I have in front of me to be getting an overview of a large handful of the worlds most prominent religions. 

Recently I have been struggling with codependence. I chuckle now as my computer is telling me that I have spelled it wrong or wants me to change it to codependency. 

co·de·pend·ent

  [koh-di-pen-duhnt] 

adjective

1.

of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

noun

2.

one who is codependent or in a codependent relationship.

Origin: 
1985–90

The first thing that I noticed about this definition is how young it is. This word's origin is younger than me. I was only six when it was first coming about, can you imagine?! I am studying world religions and the origins of western civilization this semester in college with years that I have trouble visualizing in my head and then look, 1985. 

The next thing that I noticed is that this definition requires that the afflicted person be addicted to someone that has a substance abuse problem. While I would never change this in the origin of the word as I think it is how it came about, I don't think this is true any longer. My codependence is me being addicted to another person, or people. Period. It is me trying to get my happiness from outside of myself, from another person or persons. And this is super dangerous for me. 

I am very hard on myself. And I am very hard on others whether they know it or not or whether I have it contained for a short time or not. I am a critical person, so looking for another to make me happy literally could be a life threatening situation for someone like me. You don't make me happy, I would like to change the way I feel, I drink, I die. 

But that is not going to happen. What is going to happen is the launch of a self discovery episode. Let it begin with me. Lent is upon us. Yesterday, on the third day of lent, I still hadn't decided what to "give up". The homily on Ash Wednesday was about not giving things up just to suffer, but to give up that which keeps us from god. And boy do I have the options to choose from... I may still give something up but what I have decided to do is add a morning reflection/meditation/prayer and daily reading. I received a very sweet gift from a friend at church called "the light of lent through the gospels" and has a reading for each day of lent. Guess who is four days behind. 

My goal is to get myself out of my way, open my heart, spirit, and soul so that god can do his work. My feelings have been kicking my butt lately. I refuse to call it depression (that's between me and my therapist thank you very much.), but I have been sad, and angry lately. And self critical. If I can't please myself and learn how to chill the hell out, then no one else has a shot. 

From the Bhagava Gita: "The most popular, important, influetial, and luminous of all the Hindu scriptures."

"Act without seeking the fruits of action:

[Krishna:] You have the right to work, but for the work's sake only. You have no right to the fruits of your work. Desire for the fruits of your work must never be the motive in working. Never give way to laziness either. 

Perform every action with your heart fixed on the Supreme Lord. Renounce attachment the fruits. Be even tempered in success and failure; for it is evenness of temper which is meant by yoga.

Work done with anxiety about results is far inferior to work done without such anxiety, in the calm of self surrender. Seek refuge in the knowledge of Brahman. They who work selfishly for results are miserable."

My skin gods brought me back to god

The first thing I want to say is don't think this happened overnight. It took me almost two weeks to post about the struggles I was having in my last post. The second thing I want to say is that I think that if there are 1000 problems then there must be 2001 answers. And I found a few today.

One was validation. Maybe it was summing up everything that has happened in the last month to a friend that hasn't been going through it on a day to day basis with me. Maybe I needed that one person to say that any one of my troubles could be hard to deal with, but put them all together and it's no wonder things feel gummed up. There are five women in my entire life that could do what she did today and each one of them is just as capable of kicking my ass as soothing it. I call them my skin gods.

I forgot about expectations and self critique. I took a step back and a deep breath. I forgot to tell myself how to be and just was.

Since January 15th I have...

Started my second sober semester with five instead of four classes on a tues/thurs 11 hour day. I had some concerns about this, but wanted to test my limits.

Traveled out of the country for the very first time to two countries that I didn't know too much about and again, had some concerns but took the chance for this adventure with 100% faith in my beloved. I loved it and have zero regrets.

However, I can home without her and was on my own for almost a week. The weather there was tropical and that was not the case here. I returned after having missed two sessions of each of my classes. Again, something I will never regret, but would probably not do again.

After a few more sessions of class I realized that I am not fond of two out of four of my teachers. (my last class is gym, no teacher) I don't think I have ever had a semester of any kind of school ever where I didn't like a teacher, let alone two. And there was really not ever a moment in my first sober semester where I was that far behind. I am still finding my groove.

And then there is work. I am having to compete with others to get hours which includes jumping through hoops and doing tricks instead of my actual job. I am a little terrified of money at the moment because I have some from school funds. My ability to contribute to the purple couch household is a valid concern. So I have worked up a resume, sent it to a trusted friend for editing, revised it, and sent it out all over town. I have received little response. That search continues.

Things are great with the hottie but this also means pretty serious and with that comes concern. With that for me comes self pressure to be on top of things and stay healthy.

Application time for KU and Costa Rica are headed down the pike.

I hadn't put all of this together until I sat and spoke with my friend. I hadn't mapped it out. I hadn't looked at a timeline. Another small conversation lead to the actual hours of in class time plus the hours of expected study time totaling out at about 42 for school. 14 hours in class per week and if you study two hours for every hour you are in class then you would be studying 28 hours per week. Add me wanting to work 20 hours a week and we have a full full schedule, people.

Where is god in all this? I haven't been to church in at least two weeks, maybe three. I wouldn't ever give up my study time or my recovery time, why my god time? I have been distant for weeks and hadn't even noticed it!

I just hadn't put this all down in black and white. It all feels pretty validating. Maybe I am not a sad, crazy, lost person, but someone who has come a long long way from not being able to make it past 10 am without a shot of vodka. If god is within us and I haven't spoken to god, no wonder I have lost touch with myself. If everything happens through and with god, then no wonder things have been so hard to get done. I took the driver's seat back. Time to ride shotgun again.

Where did I go?

I have been so happy with my level of functioning for at least the last semester that I don't know what to do with myself lately. I have been unmotivated and moody.

I mentioned earlier how hard it was coming back to Kansas without the hottie. I was not being completely honest. Well i was saying it very lightly. When actually it was about the hardest thing that I have done in recent memory.

But what ended happening is that I didn't get off the couch for almost a week. Traveling without the hottie sucked. Its not like I have never traveled alone, but coming off that amazing week, it sucked. All of a sudden I was having to talk to strangers and actually play on my phone. I hadn't realized how relaxed and in the moment I had been.

By the time I was standing in the parking lot at the Kansas City airport looking for the car that I had so casually followed her away from a week earlier, I was in tears. I drove straight home and turned on the TV. I didn't turn it off for almost a week. There are certain things that I have refused to do since I got sober like watch TV more than a few hours at a time and sleep on the couch. I don't even remember taking my suitcase upstairs, but I never unpacked it. I couldn't sleep in our bed. I never turned off the TV. I did make it to class and looking back now, I am grateful that I did. I considered not going. What a mess that would have been. That is the only time I got off the couch all week. And the only time I turned off the TV. I didn't eat. I barely slept. I didn't even talk to the hottie when she tried to call. The whole week is a blur, but I know that as soon as I turned the TV off or was in between shows the silence and space were deafening.

I was worried about everything but unable to do anything. I didn't want her to know how much I was struggling so I told her everything was fine. I spoke to my family. I think I told them that the trip wasn't even that great. And to be honest, I believed that for the first week that I was back. In actuality, I just couldn't see how much fun I had. I couldn't think about how much fun we had and how many things we had seen because I was so so sad.

I kind of feel like I cheated my family and friends out of hearing about my awesome trip too. We had an amazing time. When people were asking me about it at first though, I down played it to the max because I couldn't feel how wonderful it had been without her here. It scared me in a co-dependent kind of way.

Well the hottie is back. My world is aligned again. But there is this lingering feeling. I am super upset with myself for my week of misery. I don't treat myself like I treat others and that upsets me as well. My level of functioning and zealous for life has not fully returned. It scares me and I know it scared her. My motivation hasn't come back. There is a lot more there than there was.

I guess what this long rambly entry leads to is that I want to be as kind and patient and understanding with myself as I would be with the ones I love. Truthfully, even the ones that I don't care for. But my main problem is that I spend 24/7 with me. The very moment that I loose focus or don't complete what I wanted to in a day or start biting my fingers or realize that the house is a mess or my books and papers aren't as organized as I would like or any one of a thousand things, I start to get down on myself. The positive talk doesn't come as easy and things start to slide down hill.

These past two weeks have been a struggle. I didn't realize how high my level of functioning had been and now that it is remaining a little lower than it was, I am amazed at how I was flying though life and how much I was accomplishing. I am frustrated that it hasn't returned fully. I don't want it to affect the hottie. I don't want it to affect my sobriety. I don't want it to affect my schooling.

i am supposed to be applying to KU very soon. There is an unfinished application to study in Costa Rica this summer on my table. I am not happy with my job. You can barely call it a job as I struggle constantly to even get 5 shifts a week. I am unmotivated to send out another round of resumes. I sent over 100 out to KU and places around town. I got 1 call and by the time I was back from vacation, they were not returning my calls. All my classes are crammed into 2 really hard long days this semester. I like them fine and am engaged when I am at school. Not loving my teachers as much as last semester and not loving college teachers in general as much as high school teachers. But my grades are fine at the moment. I fear that once things start becoming difficult to do, that I won't persevere. I feel barely motivated to get done what I need to get done for this very moment in life and fearful that my motivation and level of functioning might be gone for a while. I'm lost.

Thank god that my mood in general is fine. I mean I don't feel sad or like drinking or anything, but I just don't feel like conquering the world these past 2 or 3 weeks now and that really really scares me because I think I might need that level of motivation to get done what every other "normal" person on earth gets done. I have to work harder to get the same results as many and I haven't felt like running faster to keep up for a minute now.

It does feel good to get some of this out. I hope I didn't scare anyone. Especially one. And if you actually read this far, let me know what you think. Yes, I am going to therapy and meetings. I exercise. I eat decent. I need to more, but I pray. I am madly in love. I do ok day to day. But I wonder if I am not living up to my theme song, Alicia Keys, This Girl in on Fire.

Some thoughts about being a world traveler

Posted below are a couple brainstorm sessions from when I was on the plane headed back. I might reiterate a bit so forgive that. The thing that keeps sticking out in my brain is that when I got to El Salvador it seemed so dark and dingy. Everything looked dirty. I am actually not a person who washes their hands very often, but I was horrified about that option being taken away. The first thing I noticed when I got there was that there was barbed wire on the airpot. Why would they need barbed wire for an airport? But by the time I left, I wasn't noticing it at all. And when I landed in Texas I was shocked to see how much I had gotten used to everything because the airport seemed so bright and right angly. I hadn't realized that I had gotten so used to things so quickly.

And I couldn't drive. The lines were so clear and everything was so uniform. I am grateful I was never on a motorcycle in El Sally or Nicaragua because I am certain that I would be wanting to break what are laws here but norm there.

And returning without Sarah was pretty traumatic. I didn't want to worry her by saying so, but this has been really hard. Stupid hard, but easier by the day. I am strong. I am amazed by myself quite regularly. My passions have been reaffirmed and I feel like my life has meaning and wonder. Shit is good. I can not believe how far I have come. I really can't believe it. I keep waiting for myself to mess up, but I just keep showing up to life and living. I can not tell you how grateful I am.

capital letters brought to you in honor of the hottie.

brain session notes...

So what from this trip?

Reaffirm openness.
Reaffirm that I don't wanna be an ass. It shows. And I don't like the reflection.
Continue education w zealous and humility. Explore yourself and figure your own personal humility and if this includes keeping your mouth shut then do it!
Keep writing. Seriously. Write shit down. Keep writing. You don't have to publish everything. Write things that are just for you or just for you and Sarah. Write silly poems. Write songs.
Brainstorm.
Live out loud.
Be grateful.
Keep searching for work. Don't stop and don't get frustrated cuz you are worth contribution. You will find something that fits exactly to you.
Start exploring other religions.
Express yourself. Never at the expense of others.
Be happy with what you have.
Save money. Seriously. Don't spend frivolously. Do everything with everyone, but don't spend money doing it.
Stop the nervous habits. Find peace. No more biting your damn skin.
Do more research. Always. In many ways.

Blog

I was so aware of the barbed wire when we arrived and surprised I even noticed it as I was leaving.

The people respond to you. How could they not?!

The highways looked impossible when I got there and simple as I was leaving.

I never got tired of Sarah. Not once. Hmmmm.

somebody say when

there is a very big possibility that i don't know when enough is enough. i also have some issues with time management. i don't think either of these things will stop me from doing what i do, but i am always trying to better myself and be more efficient.

that being said, yes i did study some spanish on the break. some. i could have done a LOT more. I found that illusive list that i made on the last day of class last semester and there was very little on that list done.

it's interesting because my attention to detail is really not that great, but i am very meticulous. i don't skip steps or overbook things. but when i say that i don't overbook things, i mean that i don't book two things at the exact same time. i will cram one thing after another though until my head is spinning i haven't had time for myself and now the hottie in a week.

so we are learning and we are growing. it's painful and so much fun. i wouldn't change a single thing for the world, but i definitely have some room for improvement. when someone asks me how in god's name i could have scheduled a root canal (oh my owww, btw), the first day of a 15 credit semester, and then a week first time out of the country vacation and i have no answer at all for them, maybe something should be reevaluated. just a tweak. the real answer is that i looked over my trusty calendar and nothing directly overlapped minus the vaca, but come on!, who would pass that up? so i scheduled one thing after another. one of my goals of sobriety is to say yes. and my favorite B word is balance.

learning my limitations...
learning why it is harder to take direction from some than others...

have a great semester everyone! stay tuned for my survival stories.

my hamster got loose

my hamster usually stays on his wheel and powers my brain pretty efficiently. steady pace; one direction. but today he is loose all over the house. my thoughts just from one thing to the another and i can't seem to solve one problem or get one thing done before my head has jumped to another two or three things that i haven't gotten done. 

classes start again in one week. three of the four week break is over. this is the first time ever ever that i have had a regular college kid break from school. my initial observations are that it is too long. if i had not been somewhat focused and determined with a few goals in mind and a part time job i would have been insane by now. that being said, i have not completed even half the goals that i laid out for myself. i am frustrated and overwhelmed. my routine hasn't existed since december 14th. and it has been hard! 

there was the week before christmas, the week of christmas, the week of new year's and now what? one week left and i have gotten nothing done. so as i start to feel the strain that i have caused myself by not making a list and systematically checking one thing after another off, i also have added to my icky crazy making feelings by ruminating about the upcoming semester. i am so excited to be able to travel to El Salvador and Nicaragua, my first trip out of the country. i wouldn't change it for the world. god doesn't make mistakes and this trip was no accident. it could define what i want to do for the rest of my life. or just be a fun and different week, who knows?! but the side effect is that i won't be able to start my semester routine until a week later than everyone else. i hope to be laughing about this three or four weeks into the semester. we'll see. 

i lost my food stamps due to my own irresponsibility of not reporting to them that i had returned to school. that would have given them the opportunity to tell me that you have to be working 20 hours a week while you are in school to receive food benefits. it's hard to get that many hours at the bee's with an average of three hours per shift. combine that with my sexist ass boss who's face makes me cringe and i have a nice pile of shit to work around for any income. before anyone suggests it, yes i am seeking other employment. that is exactly what you want to do when you start a new and harder semester than the last, get a new job too! 

this post makes me uncomfortable. but this is the point of this blog. alcoholism is a disease. the isms are what this alcholic has to face on a daily basis even when and especially when i don't give into the drink. i only speak for myself. i have no idea how any other alcoholic lives inside their head. i have no idea how they keep their hamsters on the wheel. this is just my ongoing story. i had a desire to drink yesterday for a bit. i took action to make sure that is was a soft quick voice in my head. the isms are trying to derail me today and i think having a desire to drink would give my hamster purpose on his wheel instead of running free all over the house. it's a pretty odd way to look at things, but if i don't stay sober, there is nothing else for me. 

happy new year!

why is it so hard to sit down and start writing? i have thoughts that circle and race through my head constantly. "that would be a great thing to blog about," i tell myself. and then turn on the tv or play on facebook instead. well this has to change.

two new year's resolutions and no, one of them is not to start capitalizing my work. if the computer won't do it for me then i don't care. spelling, i am all about. capitalization, not so much. what kind of program is this anyway? one that allows freedom, that's what kind!

ok, new year's resolutions = stuff i really need to work on anyway and it happens to be a new year. these days i need little to get me motivated so why not a new year.

1. write more. welcome to my blog. i also plan to start writing poetry again. i hope to have so much poetry that i will be forced to learn to play that guitar that i have had for 15 years and put some of it into song but one thing at a time.

2. be on time. i am not usually late, but i am always rushing around and sliding in exactly on time. no more. i am going to make more time for myself so that i don't have to rush around. i am going to keep a book in my car and make sure i have established this habit before i switch back to the scoot scoot in the spring.

ok, enough of that. 2012. what a year. i wanna take a moment to reflect on what i walked through, both good and bad. i want to throw myself a mini parade for my accomplishments and reflect on my mess ups.

last christmas i was still living in the oxford house. it was hard, but i was told to do it to stay sober, so i did. i lived there for eight months total, with a revolving door of five other addicts and alcoholics at any given time. it kept me sober and helped me grow in a way no other place on earth could have. i was and still am humbled and awed to have had that opportunity. that being said, when i outgrew it, it was time to go. i had grown in such a way that a member of the AA community asked me if i wanted to rent a room from them. what an honor to be displaying outwardly that i was trustworthy, and progressing forward in a way that someone else would notice and invite me into their home. humbled and honored. and able to springboard into my next phase. i stayed with her for eight months as well and eventually was spending so much time with the hottie that it seemed silly to be paying rent there, so i started looking for another place that was cheaper but not before getting frustrated and moving all my jazz into storage and making myself a homeless nomad. no one is perfect. i wasn't too hard on myself for that decision, but at this point in my life i am no longer making decisions just for me. this is taking some getting used to.

i am happy and proud to have just celebrated seven months with the hottie. we have already walked through a few difficult things together. i can not believe how happy she makes me and how much she challenges me. she has taught me so much about love and life and myself and strong women. our families and our upbringing are so different. it's really interesting and wonderful.

let's see. what else, what else? oh yeah, i enrolled, started and finished my first sober semester at community college. i found school to be so fun and engaging. since i have been sober, i have been amazed at how similar i am to the person i used to be in high school, but this student version of myself is different. i study. i work hard. and i get results. i received my first 4.0 GPA since probably grade school. i never got gay A's because i never worked for them. i have never had the experience of working hard for something i was invested in and getting the results that i wanted. i am ready to jump into my next and final semester at johnson county before heading to my beloved KU. if this is a dream, don't wake me.

i do not just want to sing about my awesomeness though. i had some really big mess ups this year. i fell flat on my face several times. i fell hard and it hurt. after more than one year at earl may garden center, a job that made me question why i ever left manhattan's horticulture arena and laugh because KU offers nothing in horticulture sciences, i was fired for being on my telephone when the wrong person walked in the door. i am understating. i was surfing the new Olympic apps on my iPhone while lounging on company patio furniture. a customer walked in, made a smart remark and called corporate. i was fired over the phone the next morning. i loved that job. god put me there and i messed it up. i know he has other plans for me, but it still stings months later that i let myself down like that.

and then there were relapses. three of them. three separate weekends, three different reason's, one hot mess of a disease. i have been to counseling, i have spoken with my skin gods, i have analyzed and evaluated. the first one was a freak accident where an alcoholic was caught off guard and acted on her own accord; a seriously d'oh! moment. at this point, i don't think i even remember the second one. i'm sure one of the people that i terrorized with my relapsing could tell you. between relapse two and three (i think) i wanted to drink every day. i remember saying to my sponsor that i didn't know how long i could have a desire to drink every day and not drink. i have heard stories about people wanting to drink every day for five years before the obsession finally went away. i can tell you now that i am not that strong. after about 30 days of wanting to drink, i drank. the first time was a freak accident, the third time i gave into the desire. but i picked myself back up off of my face and i started my journey over again. i had almost a year and a half of sobriety when i relapsed that first time. today i have 80 days or two months and 20 days. now, what did i learn? too much and not enough. i learned that i have a very strong desire to stay sober, to live sober. i learned that after almost a full year and a half i have successfully reprogrammed my brain and i have no desire to return to active drinking. i learned that i can make giant mistakes and not hate myself for them. i learned that hard work pays off. i have learned that i don't know much. i have never been a destination person, but i learned that i love the journey. a lot of my life has been very broody. i don't live like that today. i love myself and i love my life.

another thing that i wanted to mention for 2012 is all the people in my life. i have spent a decent amount of time working on relationships. the most important thing in my life is my connection with my loved ones. i am so blessed and cared for when it comes to people. i cherish and adore more people than i have ever deserved to have a shot of loving. i have worked really hard at finding good quality new friends here in lawrence because this is where i am supposed to be. i love this group of lawrence weirdos! i have made a conscience and consistent effort to spend time with and take part in the lives of my older friends. they are the ones that have been living their own lives and waiting for me to come back from hell for years. coming back from hell is not an instantaneous process either. it's grueling and takes time. my relationships with my family have improved as well. in classic alcoholic form i thought this would happen a year ago, so i am amused and intensely grateful to see the progress i have made there as well. thank you to everyone who has kicked my ass at some point or another and a second thanks to those who have done it over and over. i am a repeat offender when it comes to mistakes.

and the last thing i want to mention is my gratitude for those that have been willing to help me open my mind spiritually. there is more i want to say on this, but i don't know where to start. so for now, thank you. i hope you know who you are.

happy new year! 2013 everybody!